


What We Want and What We Need

by Zee_impala_angel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Genie/Djinn, Canon Divergence, Castiel (Supernatural)-centric, Dean is a dick, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Sam Winchester, I think I got all the tags, Set after 12x09, Temporary Character Death, djinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 09:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10591665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zee_impala_angel/pseuds/Zee_impala_angel
Summary: When Claire is captured by a Djinn, Castiel rushes to her rescue only to be taken victim as well. After they're rescued by Sam and Dean, Castiel struggles with what he learned while under the Djinns spell, what he experiences in the real world, and the effects of having been under for so long. He is about to embark on a journey to discover who he is, what he wants and what he truly needs.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a crazy ride. My very first Supernatural fan fic and it happens to be Castiel centric thanks to the Castiel Big Bang! 
> 
> I want to thank my beta @mathamota and artist @casguecest for sticking with me throughout my sporadic and unorganized updating and editing. I've learned a lot these past few months and am excited to finally get this story up. 
> 
> Without further or do, here we go!
> 
> Happy Reading!

 

He moved with precision, quick footwork accompanying quiet execution. Senses focused on every molecule, every whisper, every minuscule paint chip scattered across the floor of the abandoned warehouse. His heart beat rapidly in his chest as he raced down the dark corridor. The sound of cars heard in the distance, the noise blaring through his vessels head.

He must find her. 

The warehouse was old, judging by the look of the alkaline stained walls. Leaves littered the floors, rustling as the cold drafts pushed their way through the corridor. Castiel weaved his way around them, avoiding making any sounds that would alert his enemies.

A scuffing sound sent him spinning around, eyes darting in all directions, grace reaching out, desperate to find the source of the distraction. A quick flick of his wrist had his angel blade pulled out from within his sleeve and into his hand. Another clinking sound had him spinning again. The noises seemingly coming from all directions, his grace unable to detect whether there was immediate danger or not.

Feeling deceived by his vessels senses, he closed his eyes and took a breath. Grace spread out from him, searching out every crevice, every path within a small radius around him. 

 

Outside the left three windows? Clear.

The two rooms on the right? Clear.

He took a deep breath and pulled his grace back within him. Fear got hunters killed and, as a hunter, he knew better. Another deep breath centered his grace and vessel together. Slowly, he continued his way down the dark abandoned corridor.

After a few carefully placed steps, a whimper caused Castiel's heart to start its rapid beating again. He had no idea what he was dealing with, all he knew was that Claire was there and he must save her. 

The prayer played on repeat in his head, it had been since he received it. 

Help me, please. 

The desperation in her prayer had him on his feet and out the bunker faster than he ever imagined possible without his wings. A quick call to Sheriff Jody Mills gave him an estimated location of where she might be and he was off. He didn’t have time to try and answer questions he didn’t have answers to. Claire was in danger, that was all that mattered. He couldn’t let what happened to her mother happen to her. Failing Claire was never an option. 

Castiel was close to her, he could sense it now. Following the sounds, he quickly made his way further down, stopping when he saw the shadow of a figure move across the wall around the corner. It was moving down the next corridor, opposite him. He pinned himself against the wall and peered around the corner, no one was there. Quickly, Castiel moved toward the room the figure left. He stepped into the room cautiously, ready for a fight. Thankfully, the room was empty except for Claire. 

Pushing down his emotions, he ran up to her barely conscious body dropping his angel blade. Her wrists were tied to a chain hanging above her head, bruises scattered all down her pale arms. By the looks of it she’d been there a day, maybe more. He tentatively touched her arms, her face, her hands. She was cold, her lips turning a dark shade of purple.

“Claire. Claire wake up. Come on Claire.” He placed his hands on her cheeks, grace seeping through his fingers in a failed attempt to heal her. Frustration built up within him. If there was ever a time he would benefit from being back at full power, now was it. He rubbed his thumbs along her cheeks instead, trying to at least give them some warmth. 

“Come on Claire, please.” A whimper passed through her lips causing Castiel's heart to race faster. She was alive enough to make noises, that was a good sign, it had to be. 

“I’m gonna get you out of here. Just hold on Claire.” Reaching up to the binds around her wrists, Castiel attempted to unknot them. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Once one arm was freed, a cord shifted into Castiel's sight. Following the cord down, it was found to be stuck into Claire's neck. “What the hell?” Castiel whispered as he picked it out of her. He had never seen anything like this before in all his years on earth. What kind of monster was he dealing with?

Crunch

Castiel spun around just in time to duck away from what looked to be a burning blue hand. Trying to put some space between himself and the attacker, he spun and jumped a few feet away. The monster seemed to be glowing blue through black marks scattered across its skin. 

The tattoos, the blue light, the cord.

He was fighting a Djinn. 

It planted its feet in his direction and charged. Castiel flicked his wrist to drop his angel blade but nothing happened. Looking down, he tried again, still no results. Shooting a look back at Claire, he saw it. His blade was five yards away, perched near Claire's feet. Setting his jaw, Castiel prepared for the Djinns attack. 

He attempted to grab one of the Djinns outstretched arms to throw it across the room. The djinn avoided his attack and went behind him. Castiel spun around and kicked. The Djinn flew across the room and into an opened metal cabinet. 

He had to keep it from touching him. Although Castiel knew that a Djinn attacked humans, there was no telling what could happen to an angel inside a vessel. 

While it attempted to find its bearings, he ran over to Claire. She was hanging by just one wrist now, the rope pulling tighter with the weight. He needed to get her down quick. Castiel attempted to lift her with one arm but couldn't manage to hold her up and untie the knot at the same time so he stooped down and grabbed his blade. Just as the Djinn started to get back up, he slashed at the rope, a loud scratching snap erupting as it sliced through the fibers. He caught Claire and whipped around with her in his arms. Slashing low, the Djinn predicted his movements and kicked his hand, sending the blade flying across the room. 

With Claire still in his arms, he stumbled and lost his balance. Trying not to hurt her more, he let go of Claire and turned back towards the Djinn. In his hunched over state, the Djinn kicked Castiel’s side, sending him toppling over Claire's lifeless body. He tried to roll over quick but it was too late.

Slamming his shoulders against the ground, the Djinn climbed on top of Castiel, it’s knees on each side of his stomach. He raised his arms to block the Djinn from touching his face but it was for nothing. The Djinn latched onto his exposed wrist, blue light glowing through its fingers. Castiel bucked and kicked but the Djinn had him beat. 

Slowly, he watched the world go dark.


	2. Chapter One

Five days later

 

“Cas!”

The sound of a male's voice boomed in Castiel's head. 

“Sam?”

“This is your last chance, Castiel. Your last chance for true happiness. Stay with me and you can have whatever your heart desires.

“Castiel!” 

Castiel looked up into nothing at the sound of Sam's voice. The sky was slowly turning white, flowing down towards them. Clouds, birds, trees, they all started to fade away.

“You'll never be welcomed, not out there!” The Djinn pleaded again, looking up to watch the world disappear. 

Castiel looked down at Claire, no, the Djinn, and sighed. “If it was possible here, it could be possible there.”

The Djinn met Castiel's eyes, its lip twitching in anger. “You'll never find happiness!” The Djinns face, faded into the white as Castiel started to wake. 

Truly wake this time. 

Rough hands patted his cheek, bringing him closer to reality. Slowly, he opened his eyes, white light exploding through his senses. The burning light that filtered through had him cringing and shutting them again. 

“I've got him, you get Claire.”

Castiel groaned as all his senses started to flood back within him. His grace was in pain, a pain he'd never felt before. A feeling of fire surging through his grace, burning him from the inside out. He tried to pull his arms down, desperate to find relief, only to find resistance. His wrists were bound together and strung up to the ceiling. A small whimper left his lips, hopelessness drowning him whole. 

“Fuck!”

“Mom!” 

Mary was fighting the Djinn and seemingly losing. It grabbed her by the neck and threw her across the room, her body slamming against a wall and dropping to the ground. The Djinn shot a look at Castiel before darting towards the door. 

“Dean!”

Castiel tugged on the binds a bit to try and free himself, only to groan out in pain. His wrists stung from being tied up for so long. Taking a few breaths, he summoned a small fraction of grace to send up towards his wrists to ease some of the pain. A sudden intense burning flooded all his senses. He cried out in pain as it fizzled out and dispersed back through his true form. The Djinn must have been feeding on his grace. His grace was screaming out in distress within him. He felt as though he might pass out.

“What is this?” Dean's voice, almost a whisper, brought Castiel back to reality. An intense wave of burning and fire surged through his neck as Dean tugged on a needle protruding from it. It felt as if his grace and skin were burning off. He cried out in pain, thrashing around to do anything he could to bring relief. 

“Cas! Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. SAM!” 

He felt like he was slowing slipping out of consciousness. The pain consuming him, ripping him from their plane of existence. He wanted it, he needed it. Unconsciousness would relieve his suffering. The feeling of hands on his face, thumbs pressing against his cheeks, gave him something to focus on. 

“What the hell?” 

“It was flowing into his neck. I've never seen anything like it before.” Someone touched his neck where the needle had been, causing him to whimper. 

“Get ready, I'll cut him down.”

The binds finally let up on his wrists and he whined at the relief. He started to feel light headed, dropping his head to his chest to try and center himself. When the last bit of tension was released, he found himself falling.

“Woa, hmph…” Dean tried to catch him as he fell but ended up stumbling back sending them both to the ground. 

Castiel groaned as someone grabbed his body and turned him onto his back. He opened his eyes and saw Dean. He was kneeling at his head, hands working quickly to untie the leftover ropes around Castiel’s wrists. It was weird, seeing Dean; the real Dean. He was different. Lines on his face in places there wasn't before, eyebrows furrowed in concentration different than before, at least different than the fake Dean. Castiel wondered how long he had actually been in the dream world for. 

A wave of grace slowly trickled its way towards his still burning wrists. He cried out when the burning grace met burning flesh. “I… I can't heal myself. Something... Something's wrong…” He huffed a few times, finding himself out of breath from talking

“Okay… okay… mom! How's Claire?” A whimper to his far right caught Castiel’s attention. Claire was strung up next to where he had been, unconscious. Sam was working quickly to get her down.

“Is she alive?” Castiel asked, his voice rough from lack of use.

“I believe so.” Mary said. Sam was reaching into his pocket for a knife. “Her breathing is shallow, we need to get her out of here, now.” Sam cut through the last of the rope, Mary catching Claire as she fell.

Another wave of pain shot through Castiel’s body, causing him to jerk up and shout. His grace was screaming out in pain, trying to rid whatever was in his system. Death felt as if it would be his only way of escape. 

“Cas! Hey, hey, hey. Dammit!”

Slowly, Castiel felt the world slip away into darkness.


	3. Chapter Two

“Do you really need me?”

“I guess I couldn't admit it to myself, but I've needed you for a while. Even if you are a doof.”

“Claire?”

“I know you've only ever wanted to keep me safe. Thank you Castiel, for everything.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t stay here.”

“But, I need you!”

“Exactly. Claire needs me and you’re not her. The real Claire is out there and she’s in danger, all because of you.”

“Don’t do this!”

“I’m sorry.”

“CASTIEL!” 

*****

“You look like hell.” 

Mary’s voice filtered it’s way through Castiel’s mind, bringing him back to reality. His eyes shot open. 

Claire.

“Where’s Claire. How is she? What’s happened?” He quickly sat up, eyes darting all over the room. He was no longer in the warehouse but in what looked to be a motel room instead. From what he could tell, Mary was the only person in the room. Where was everyone else? The Winchesters, Claire? Were they still in trouble?

“Hey, hey, hey, calm down.” Mary held her hands up and placed them on his shoulder and thigh. The look of surprise on her face made Castiel stop. “She’s still in the hospital. Dean went over a few hours ago to check on Sam. He should be back soon.” 

He wanted to press the matter further but she stopped him dead in his tracks. “Don’t worry, she’s safe now.”

He still wanted to argue, but a wave of pain shot through his whole body, from his neck down to his toes. He gasped out in pain and laid back down. It wasn’t as bad as he remembered it before. Of course, that could be because he was used to the pain by now. His grace was screaming in pain, begging him to slit his own throat and rip the grace from his body. If it could just be free, perhaps it would heal. Being trapped within his flesh, forcing it into its fiery pit.   
“Shhhh. Castiel, what do you need? What can I get you?”

He opened his eyes, panting from his inability to capture a lungfull of air. When did he need air? Mary reached out and wiped a thumb across his cheek. It was then he realized he had been crying. He was a mess, body burning up, paralyzing him. Another wave rolled through and he closed his eyes again. He was in so much pain. Would it ever stop? Would he ever heal?

How was this possible? How had the Djinn managed to inflict so much damage to an Angel? At full power he could have annihilated the Djinn with the flick of a thought. Although he hadn’t been at full power, he still should have had an upper hand. Angel trumped monster, it always had before. What made this encounter so different? He should have been more prepared. He should have been able to save Claire. Angels were warriors of God. 

He was a warrior of God. 

Warriors didn’t fall to monsters. Warriors fought and won. This, what he was feeling, wasn’t winning. This was losing. 

And it hurt. 

It hurt in ways Castiel never knew he could experience.

“Castiel, please. How can I help you?” 

He opened his eyes after a few more moments, breathing heavy preparing for another wave of torture. Her eyes shone with tears that hadn’t fallen yet. She looked the way Castiel felt; exhausted. Mary was concerned for him, the emotion was rolling off her in overwhelming waves. He had never encountered a soul like hers. Innocent and yet fierce. Gentle yet rough. What was that? How could someone embody such a level of heart, yet have a soul made of steel? 

Mary leaned down, a ruffling sound emerging from beneath. He took the moment to close his eyes again, attempting to slow his breathing. “Here.” He opened his eyes. Outstretching her hand, she offered him some pills and a glass of water. “Take these. I don’t know much about Angels, but Dean mentioned how you normally heal on your own and haven’t been. These should help at least any physical pain you’re having.”

“How did you know I was in pain?”

“I’m a mother, we know everything.” Castiel smiled. Even now, he enjoyed the banter. Were all mothers like this? Or perhaps it was just Winchesters? “Or, you know, the screaming in agonizing pain could have given you away.”

Sitting up, he leaned against the bed frame and took the water and pills. “I don’t have a mother.” Mary’s face went blank. “Technically I have a father, but not in a human sense.”

Mary shook her head and chuckled, standing up and walking towards the bathroom. “You mean God?” 

“Yes, he created me. Even brought me back from the dead a few times, but that’s really all.”

He could hear a faucet turn on from his bed. This was the most time he had ever spent with the boys’ mother. It wasn’t that he had anything against her, Castiel just felt awkward. He knew that him being an Angel made Mary uncomfortable, he could sense it every time she was around. The last time he dealt with that kind of emotion from a Winchester was during the war. Dean had reacted the same way. 

“Not all fathers are perfect.” 

The two of them were far more alike than they would ever understand. He did like Mary, though. She had an aura about her that spoke a million words. Whether it was her soul, or because she was a Winchester, he would never know.

“What about mothers?” She never responded. 

A few moments later, Mary reemerged from the bathroom. She was holding a wet cloth, one hand cupped underneath to catch any dripping water. “Here.” She placed a finger underneath his chin and tilted his head back. He obliged and rested his head against the headboard. 

He watched her as she pushed the hair over his forehead back. Her eyes were still shining, but this time her cheeks were slightly more pink than before. She placed the wet cloth along his forehead and Castiel sighed at the coolness. 

He closed his eyes once again. The burning sensation was still present, but far more manageable than when they were being rescued. He hadn’t realized how hot he had been. 

“You’re still burning up. This should help.”

“Yes it does.” He smiled with relief and opened his eyes. She was still holding his hair back, a forced smile on her lips. Mary was being far more kind than he ever deserved. “Thank you, Mary.”

The roar of the Impala filtered through the walls. She looked up at the door, her shoulders relaxing from tension Castiel hadn’t noticed before. “That’s Dean.” She removed her hand from his forehead and sat on the edge of the bed next to his. “He’ll probably have more information on Claire.”

His heart skipped a beat. The last thing he remembered was Claire’s unconscious body falling as Sam cut her down. She had to be okay. Claire was his responsibility. He promised Jimmy that he would protect his family and so far he had failed. His wife was killed and Claire lost her whole family. Not to mention living with the scum, Randy and moving from foster home to foster home. Castiel could do so much better for Claire, he knew that much.

The door opened, Dean emerging with a bag. From the smells wafting in, Castiel had to guess it was food. Burritos to be exact.

“Hey, look who’s still alive and kicking.”

Castiel nodded, watching Dean set the bag down on the table across the room. Mary stood and went to him. “What did you bring back?”

Dean smiled and opened the bag. “Got some classic all american but mexican bean burritos with some extra hot sauce. A drive through delicacy.” Mary chuckled and took one of them, pulling out a chair and sitting down. Dean grabbed another and threw it on the bed next to Castiel. “I got you one too, just in case you were hungry. You like these, right?”

Castiel nodded and unwrapped his. “Thank you, Dean.” Dean grunted and sat down across from Mary. “How is Claire?”

“She’s good. Woke up a few hours ago. Jody and Alex showed up just before, they’re there with her.” Dean unwrapped his own burrito and chowed down. “Got some bruised ribs and a bruised kidney but she’s tough. Doctors said she’d be released tonight.” A wave of relief flowed through Castiel’s body. Claire was okay. She was going to be just fine. Thank God. “You, on the other hand…” 

Castiel looked away and took another bite from his burrito. It was the best tasting burrito he’d had since getting his grace back a few years ago. He should probably be more concerned about how he was able to register any flavor, but he could worry about that later.

“How you feeling?” 

How was he feeling? Like he was dying. As if his own grace was trying to smite itself. Everything hurt and he was far from okay.

“I’ll be fine.”

Dean grunted in disbelief. Castiel could see Dean struggling to get out what he wanted. It always amazed him how one moment Dean could say and do whatever he wanted, but other times, he could barely even look people in the eyes. It’s what always confused him the most. 

The dream version of Dean was similar. Reserved in his feelings and thoughts, needing Castiel to help him open up. It had been hard at first, but Castiel had learned how to help Dean when he truly needed it. How that hadn't been the first sign that things weren't quite right, he’d never understand.

“Well, eat up. We’ll pick up Sam later and head home tonight.”

Castiel’s heart sped up. Was he not going to see Claire? “I need to see Claire before she leaves.”

Dean stopped eating and looked over at Castiel. “Dude, you’re barely alive. She went through a lot. Give her some space. Maybe we can take a trip up there in a few weeks when no one is on the brink of death.”

He could feel anger building within him. “I’m fine, Dean. She’s my responsibility.” He went through too much to try and save her only to leave without even saying hello. 

Dean scoffed. “Yeah okay. And since when? It’s been how long since you last saw her?”

He thought back. The last time he had seen Claire was when her mother had died. That was before the mark took hold of Dean. Before the Darkness. Before Lucifer. “Too long. That ends now.”

“No.”

“Dean.” Mary stared him down. Castiel felt a sense of relief. Maybe Mary could understand where he was coming from.

“What? Sam and I have seen her far more than he has over the past couple years. The last time she saw him, her mom had just died. Who says she even wants to see him?”

“Dean!”

“What?!”

Castiel was taken aback. How could Dean even say that? There was no way he was going to leave Claire here. After everything she had been through, the state she was in. Anger slowly started to build in his vessel. How could Dean think he could just leave? Dean would certainly not do the same if it was Sam in her place. Why was he so much different?

“I'm here for you, buddy. Whatever you need.”

Of course. 

This wasn't the dream Dean, this was real Dean. Real Dean was completely different than dream Dean. Another wave of hurt flowed through him to a whole other reason

“A word please, outside!” Mary grabbed Deans arm and dragged him outside. Even though Mary had gone outside, he could still hear everything. Burning grace or not, he was still a celestial being.

“What's wrong with you!”

“What!”

“He was just under a djinn spell for, what, four days? Five? Give him some slack.”

“Look, If Cas had just asked for help instead of running out of the bunker, Claire wouldn't even be in this situation right now! He should know better than to go off on his own by now.”

“Dean. Come on, it's not Cas’s fault she was attacked by a Djinn.”

“No, of course not. But she wouldn't have been under for so long if he had just asked us for help.”

“Are you upset for Claire, or are you upset for Castiel?”

“Wh… What?”

“You’re either trying to protect Claire from Castiel, or protect him from her. Which is it?”

“Neither! I just know that it’s best we just go our separate ways and go home.” 

 

“That’s not for you to decide! He clearly cares for her. Bad past or not, they both almost died! We’re going to take him to see her. Understand!” 

Dean didn’t respond at first. He started to wonder if they had left. “Fine.” 

Castiel didn't look at Dean as he stormed back in, bee lining straight for the bathroom. He wasn't surprised by Dean's reaction to him. For years now Dean had always been mad at him when he didn't ask him for help. Sometimes Castiel wondered if it stemmed from the civil war in heaven and his secret work with Crowley.

Mary walked in after and shut the door. “We’ll go to the hospital when we’ve eaten and showered.” 

“Thank you.” She smiled at him before wandering back to her seat to finish her food. No one spoke after that. Each either dressing, packing or eating. Castiel was grateful for the silence. Soon, he would get to see Claire and apologize for everything.


	4. Chapter Three

“I’m glad you're sticking around. You're handy in fights.”

“You don't think it’s the wrong choice?” 

“What? Of course not. You wanted out and you're taking it. There's nothing wrong with that.”

“Then why do I feel so bad?”

 

*****

“We’re looking for room, 302?”

The nurse behind the desk looked up and smiled, pointing down the hallway. “It’s right down there, 2nd room to the left.”

“Thanks.” Mary turned and beckoned Castiel to follow her. She had mentioned meeting Jody before and wanted to say hello, also curious as to who Claire was. He didn’t mind the company. As excited as he was to see Claire, he was still nervous. Dean wasn’t wrong. They had a, complicated past, but Castiel was certain all wasn’t lost the last time he had seen her. 

They walked up to the room and immediately he saw Claire. There was a woman and a girl sitting with her in the room. He had to assume they were Jody and Alex. 

“Mary, hi!”

“Hi, Jody.”

Jody walked up and pulled Mary into a hug. “It’s good to see you again, wish it was under better circumstances.” She pulled away from Mary and looked over at him. “You must be Castiel.”

“Yes. Hello, Jody.” Castiel offered her the best smile he could muster up. 

Jody made her way past Mary to stand in front of him. She gripped his arms and smiled back before lifting a hand underneath his chin. She tilted his head up and to both sides, inspecting his face. “You look awful. Shouldn’t you be checked in as well? How are you not in pain?” 

Castiel deflated a little. Did he really look that bad? He was still hurting, and standing was taking a lot out of him. The burning sensation, he was convinced, would probably never stop. His grace was damaged in ways he was sure no one could heal. “I will heal on my own, eventually.” 

Jody sighed and turned back to Mary. “You should get him to a bed or something. He looks like he can barely stay standing.”

“I assure you, I'm fine.” 

Mary and Jody shared a look before turning her attention back on him. “Either way. Thank you, for trying to help her. Claire has become family.” She turned towards Claire and gripped her leg through the bed covers. “I don't know what I'd do if I lost her.” 

Castiel watched as Claire looked up at Jody, eyes shining with emotion. It was clear to him that Claire wasn't just in a safe space, she was in a home. A family that loved her and would care for her no matter what. 

“You'd probably have a cleaner kitchen.” Alex piped in, still sitting in the chair next to Claire. 

Claire laughed “Shut up.” 

Castiel’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of her laughter. She was alive and she was safe. He knew that he wasn't her father, Jimmy was, but he could never find the will to stop caring about her well being. He would love nothing more than for her to be a part of his family as well. If he only had a family. 

“Hi, Castiel.” He shook his head and came back to the reality. Everyone was now staring at him. 

“Claire. How are you feeling?”

She looked away from him and fiddled with her bed covers. “Well, I’m not dead. Doc says I can leave tonight.”

He smiled. “That’s good, I’m glad. I was worried about you.”

Claire stiffened. He started to wonder if he maybe said something wrong. It wasn't a lie. He worried about Claire a lot, even when he was possessed by Lucifer. “Well, you don’t have to anymore.”

He took a step towards her bed. “I'll always worry about you.”

Claire scoffed “Yeah, okay.”

Castiel didn't know what to do. He was sure her tone was one of resistance. Did she not believe him? 

Jody cleared her throat, pushing Castiel’s thoughts away. “We’ll leave you two alone.” She waved her arms at Alex who rolled her eyes and stood up. “We’ll be just down the hall, okay?”

They both answered “Thank you.” before they all left the room. Castiel turned back towards the bed. The chair Alex had been sitting in was now unoccupied. He considered sitting. 

“You really do look like crap.”

He gave a small laugh and decided to sit down. “Yes, well, a Djinn will do that to you.” Shuffling his coat around him, he settled into the chair, giving Claire his full attention.

“Yeah, Sam had mentioned it was a Djinn. He said they give you hallucinations while they feed on you.” Castiel nodded. She fiddled with the bed covers, squeezing and shifting it around in her hand. Her eyes cast down, as if she was trying to avoid looking at him. He could tell that she wanted to tell him something. A feeling in his gut told him it wasn’t pleasant. He couldn’t imagine a reason why the current events would bring anything but pain.

She sat in silence, chewing her lip before she finally spoke. “They were still alive, Mom and Dad.” He watched as she closed her eyes. She wanted him to listen. He could do that. “We were back at home like nothing had ever happened. We were happy.” She paused a second, taking a shaky breath. 

She sniffled and continued. “Dad still worked at the radio station, I was home from college. It was Christmas. They got me a puppy and I named him….” She paused, tightening her grip on the bed covers. “...I named him Cas. He was a great dog, the best dog. When he got older, he’d lay on the floor by my door, protecting me from whatever was on the other side. He always knew when I was sad and would cuddle up with me. Everyday when I came home from classes, he would greet me at the door. His tail would be wagging so hard, knocking things off the wall.” She stopped talking, tears flowing down her cheeks. 

“And dad. He, he spent a lot of time with me. He even took me to a baseball game. I hate baseball and he knew that, but he was going for work and wanted me to go with. It was so much fun. We ate gross hotdogs and messy nachos. He let me say stuff into the radio mic.” She let out a soft sob. “He was my dad, and... Now… Now he’s dead again. They’re both dead.” Her hands flew to her face as she sobbed. 

Castiel couldn't help the tear that fell down his cheek. She was hurting and there was nothing he could do about it. “I’m so sorry Claire.”

She slammed both hands down against the bed. He jumped a little at the unsuspecting sound. “Stop saying that!” 

“Claire…”

“No! I know you want to help me, Castiel, but how can you?! You look just like him! I can't even look at you without wanting to cry. That’s my father's body! You're in his body!!” 

He looked away and down at his lap. Jimmy had been gone for so long, sometimes Castiel forgot how he looked. The body he was currently in had never been Jimmy’s. Jimmy’s body had been destroyed by Raphael, then again was ripped apart on a subatomic level by Lucifer. His body certainly looked like Jimmy, but it was not, in fact, Jimmy’s body. But those facts would do nothing to ease her suffering, he knew that. It didn't matter that the body’s were not the same. It mattered that they looked exactly the same.

“Go away.” He looked up as she turned over in the bed, her back now facing him. “Why can’t you just be a bad dream?” Her soul sent an overwhelming wave of hurt in Castiel's direction. That hurt was all his fault. He wanted to say more, he wanted to stay. If only things could go back to how they were.

No, not back. 

He wanted what the dream had given him. He wanted to fix things with Claire like he had with dream Claire. He wanted to ease her pain. “Please, Claire…”

“Please, just leave me alone.” He could hear her soft sobs, see her shoulders shudder. She needed space, and he could give her that.

Castiel stood and slowly made his way out, stopping at the doorway to take one last look at Claire. She needed space away from him. He could do that. He could give her anything she needed so long as she was happy. He wasn't going to give up, not ever, but right now he was causing more pain than healing.

“If you ever need anything, I'm here.”

With that, he left.

*****

Wind ruffled Castiel’s hair as it slipped through the quaint hospital garden. Squirrels ran along the branches of the two trees perched next to a bench raining pine needles down to the decorative bricks below. Wiping the soft dusting of snow off one of the stone benches, Castiel sat, taking in a deep breath.

The small hospital garden was beautiful. He wondered how.much more beauty it held in the spring and summer. To his right were bushes that lined the walkway to the parking lot, to his left the as a pathway that led back to the hospital. In front of him lied what looked like a flower bed, surrounded by decorative rocks. The bed was empty of flowers, replaced by a loud of snow. The garden reminded him of heaven; the garden of the autistic man. 

He felt awful, blame and guilt tearing him apart as he thought back to those last few days. Frantically searching through warehouse after warehouse. Calling her phone, begging her to pick up. He always tried so hard. Tried to be strong enough, to be wise enough. To just be enough. Everything had been so much easier when he had been an angel. Before taking a vessel and fighting, leading an army into hell. Before falling. Jimmy would still be alive and Claire would still have her family.

Now, everything was different, difficult even. He had been among humans for, in human terms, eight years. Eight years of feelings, things he never imagined an angel would be capable of feeling. Eight years and he still had no idea what any of it meant. 

Sensing someone walking towards him, he sat up straighter. Almost instantly he knew it was Mary. He would recognize the presence of her soul anywhere.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, stopping next to him. 

He wasn't in as much pain as he had been earlier that day. On top of that it had been a few hours since the last wave of pain rolled through. He hoped it was a sign that his grace was healing. Lifting his hands, he rubbed his face and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Everything still burns, but I'm managing.”

“You okay?” Mary asked. 

He closed his eyes and sighed. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

He could feel Mary sit down next him. “We're just worried about you. Djinns are intense and you were under for a few days at least.”

“I'll be fine.”

“Did something happen? With Claire?” She asked. Castiel looked over at her, slightly confused. “You look upset.”

He nodded and looked away. “She asked me to leave.” The memory of her shaking shoulders as she cried made him cringe. He had done that to her.

“I know you'll always be here for me, Castiel”

He closed his eyes, the memories flooding his senses. He hoped that the memory spikes would go away. Their constant presence was making him feel nauseous. It was all just a dream. A fabrication of reality. Why couldn’t he just let it go? 

“I look just like her father. I'm just a constant reminder of what she lost. I had promised Jimmy that I would keep his family safe. Now, his wife is dead, because of me, and Claire was left alone. I failed and I want to make it right, I just don't know how.” He sighed and sat back up. “It was much easier in the dream world.” 

“You wanna talk about what happened in the dream?”

Castiel shifted in his seat and pointedly looked away from her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about the Djinn, he trusted Mary and knew that she would help him if he so asked. It was simply that, he wasn’t ready. He remembered every moment of his time under the Djinn. From the moment he woke in the fake warehouse, to the moment Claire held him close and told him she loved him. He remembered knowing the exact moment he realized everything was fake. If he was honest with himself, he would probably never forget it. He was ashamed of himself for being so weak. 

“It's not important.”

“Okay... That's fair. Just, Castiel?” He finally looked at Mary. It was the second time that day she sent him healing vibes. He wondered if she was aware of how potent her own emotions were. “I want you to know you can talk to me about it. Whenever you decide you want to, just say the words and I'll be there.”

Castiel looked down at the ground by Mary’s feet and pulled in a smile. He hoped the brothers truly knew how lucky they were to not only have their mother back, but to have a mother like Mary. Looking back up at her, he forced a true smile. “Thank you.”

 

*****

 

They spent a while longer in the garden. Neither spoke and Castiel was grateful for the silence. Whether she realized it or not, Mary’s soul continued to send out healing vibes. While they didn’t actually heal anything, they gave him a sense to hold on to. Something to keep him grounded while he worked through his own emotions. Eventually she pulled him up and they headed back into the hospital. 

He wasn’t surprised to see Sam and Dean in the waiting room alone. He stopped at the end of the hallway and watched. They hadn't noticed him yet so he was happy he could get a glimpse of the scene unfolding in front of him. They were sitting together, Sam smiling and Dean chuckling about something. He hadn’t seen the brothers so content in a very long time. 

Mary pressed a hand to his back to urge him forward. 

“Cas, hey!” He made his way towards the group, stopping between Sam and Dean. “Did something happen?” Dean asked. 

Castiel looked down at him, shame coloring his cheeks. Dean had been right. If Castiel had just listened, perhaps he wouldn’t have upset Claire. “She asked me to leave.” The memory of her shaking shoulders as she cried made him cringe. He had done that to her. 

Turning, he made his way towards the exit. There was no use in him staying if he was not wanted. 

“Cas wait! Where are you going?” Sam called after him. The sound of chairs being shoved across the floor quickly filled the room. 

Mary and the brothers caught up and blocked his way out. Castiel sighed in frustration. He just wanted to leave. “I have no more use here. I’m going to find a place to heal. My vessel took a lot of damage.”

“Come back to the bunker.” Sam’s tone suggested one of common sense. 

Castiel didn’t want to go back to the bunker at least not yet. He wanted some peace and quiet to reflect on what had happened over the past week. “Sam…”

“He’s got a point, you know.” Mary shoved her hands in her pockets and shrugged. “We have everything you need back there.” Mary wanted Castiel to stay, he could tell by the way her eye’s looked up from underneath her brows. 

“Yeah, Cas. You almost died. Take care of yourself for once. Plus, you can still help out. Look up lores when Sam and I go out on hunts. We’ll keep ya busy, don’t worry.”

He wanted to protest. To explain that he didn't need to be at the bunker to heal. The looks on the brothers faces was proof enough that he wasn't going to win the argument. He might as well just go back with the Winchesters. It wouldn't harm anything. 

Sighing, he nodded.

“Good.” Dean slapped his back. “Let’s head out.” 

“Of course.” 

Castiel nodded and turned, bumping into a nurse. She stumbled a bit and gripped his arm tight, managing not to fall to the ground. The Winchesters turned around and watched the scene unfold.

“I apologize, are you okay?”

She steadied herself and giggled. He couldn't help but notice the long sleeves she was wearing were see through. Underneath was a whole array of tattoos. He imagined she was probably covered from shoulder to wrist. “Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm fine.” Her eyes looked up at him, but then turned their attention to his neck. “Sir, you should really get that checked out.”

“It doesn't hurt,” he lied, “I'll be fine, thank you.” 

She reached out and touched, pushing hard against it. The pain shocked him as he clenched his eyes shut, hissing and doubling forward. 

“Cas!” Dean's voice rang through his ears. 

The nurse finally stopped and gripped his upper arms, keeping him from falling over. “You see, you should really be more careful.” She patted his arms and walked away. Castiel opened his eyes and watched as she left. 

Dean placed a hand on his back. “What the hell was that about?” 

Castiel shook his head. “I have no idea.”

“You okay?” Castiel sighed at the question. He really was starting to hate hearing it. 

“I'm fine. Let’s go.” He followed them out to the cars. Castiel went in the truck with Sam while Dean and Mary drove in the Impala.

“Thanks for going back for my truck, Sam.”

“Yeah, no problem Cas. Hey, what ever happened to that other car you were driving?”

“I don't remember. I think I lost it around the time Lucifer got out.” 

“Oh, right.” Sam got quiet and started the truck. They both had difficult pasts with Lucifer, it made sense that both of them wouldn’t want to talk about it. “Well, the truck’s cool too.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

They followed the Impala out, heading towards the Winchesters home. He would give it a week. After 7 days, he would attempt to get into contact with Claire. He fixed things in the dream world. There had to be a chance he could fix it here too.


	5. Chapter Four

“I'm so sorry. I don't want to go back.”

“It’s okay. They’ll be fine without you.”

“I know.”

 

*****

 

Castiel awoke to the sound of his phone buzzing. Not moving, he opened his eyes and watched the screen fade back to black when the buzzing stopped. 

He didn't want to move. Fatigue and pain kept him awake, only managing to stay asleep for about an hour at a time. The burning was still raging through his grace, pulling him from one extreme to the next. One moment he would be dizzy and nauseous, the next, biting his tongue desperate to silence the sobs. It had been a week since the Winchesters had rescued him and Claire from the Djinn. One week and he felt as if his grace had made zero progress in healing. 

Reaching out for his phone, he noticed the missed call was from a random number. It was the same number that had been calling him all week. He used to answer it but every time he said hello, they would just hang up on him. Sam mentioned something about calling lists and fax machines being the reasons behind the calls, but it didn't make it any less annoying. Especially when the calls were from the same number. How often did a company require to call him before they realized it wasn't a fax number? Sighing, Castiel rolled onto his back. He stretched his arms above him, opening his text messages.

His chat with Claire was disappointing. He’d texted her a few times during the week, even though she'd only responded to one. He decide to send a text anyways. 

 

Hello, Claire. Hope you're doing well.  
12:22 pm

 

The deal he made to himself had included NOT reaching out until after a week, but he only managed a few days. As Mary said, he needed to be more patient. Things couldn't be solved overnight, they would require time. Time he didn't necessarily want to give, but time nonetheless. 

Eventually he climbed out of bed and got dressed. It was nice having his own room this time around. He had never had one before. Mary insisted the brothers found him a room with a bed. Eventually they stumbled upon this one. It had been packed with boxes, but they cleaned them all out and brought them to the library. Sam had seemed like he was going to look forward to cataloging all the new books and weapons in. 

The bed wasn't a big one, about the same size as Sam’s. He had a night stand with an alarm clock, a desk across the room and a small chair just off to the side. There were a few crosses hanging on the wall, left over from a man of letters who had had the room before him. He left them up. There was no harm in them. 

Castiel knew staying in the room wasn't permanent. The bunker was the Winchesters home, not Castiel’s. Maybe one day he could find a place for himself. A place that would be his own home. Of course, he didn't need a place to sleep, not when he was at full power. He doesn’t require sleep and doesn't require to eat, so perhaps he didn't need a home? 

Tying his shoes, he decided he would go outside. Some fresh air would probably do him some good. If he learned anything from the time he spent healing before, it was being cooped up was a bad thing. That's also why the brothers weren't allowing him a TV. He had an addiction. 

“Going somewhere?”

Castiel closed his bedroom door and turned to see Dean. He was sporting the robe he loved so much, and his hair was wet. Dean had probably just gotten out of the shower.

“I wanted to get some fresh air, thought I'd check on the warding while I was out there.” 

“Is that a good idea?” He couldn't quite place where Dean’s tone was. It sounded scolding, yet his posture was relaxed. 

He rolled his eyes and pulled his coat over his shoulders. “I'm fine, Dean.”

Dean gave him a once over and rolled his eyes back at him. “Yeah, okay.” He walked past him and down the hall, towards his own room. Castiel watched him as he went.

Dean was constantly doing that, questioning every move he made. It was infuriating, but he knew he meant well. At least he hoped he did. 

He climbed the stairs outside and smiled as the sun shone against his face. It was just past dawn, the sky still painted with orange and purple hues. It had snowed the night before, the tree branches packed with mounds of it, weighing them down. The breeze pushed around his cost, causing it to lightly flap at his sides. The world was quiet, a calm that spoke volumes within him. 

He headed around the building, the sound of the crunching snow beneath his feet echoing through the trees. He should probably check on the sigils while he was outside. After Amara had erased most of them, the brothers and him had worked tirelessly to replace as many as they could. Sam researched as much as he could about the bunkers warding, drawing them out and handing them to Dean and him to carve onto the sides of the walls. 

The first three were fine, no damage or need for repairs. He headed around to the south side of the bunker next. The snow was deeper on this side, causing him to wade knee deep. If it weren't for his still burning grace, he normally wouldn't have felt the cold. It felt amazing, easing some of the pain. 

The fourth and last sigil was fine. He had needed to wipe some of the snow away to see the whole thing, but no harm was done. He decided to keep wiping some of the snow away. The cold against his fingers was just as soothing as it was against his legs. 

He balled up some snow before smushing it between his palms. He must have really been warm because the snow was melting quickly in his hands. He scooped up some more off the wall, that's when he saw it. 

There was a strange black marking drawn onto the outside of the wall. He didn't recognize what type of symbol it was, if it even was a symbol. It could have been a letter. Or it could have just been a random mark. The building was very old. 

He pulled out his cell phone and took a picture. Maybe Sam or Dean would know what it was. Sliding his phone back in his pocket, he trudged back to the front door. 

*****

He found Sam in the library first. The boxes from his room were scattered around the table, Sam half in one seemingly looking for something.

“Hello, Sam.”

Sam peeked out from the box and smiled. “Hey, Cas.” He gave a look and chuckled. “Were you outside?”

Castiel looked down at himself and noticed how wet his clothes actually were. “Yes. I wanted to check on the warding.”

“Shouldn't you be resting? You were in pretty bad shape last night.” 

He remembered. They had all sat down to eat dinner when he was hit with another wave of pain. It took all three of them to drag him to his room. “I’m feeling a little better.” Another lie.

The look on Sam’s face told him he didn't believe the lie either. “Alright, well, you wanna help me? I'm trying to organize all the stuff from your room.” 

“Sure.” Castiel made his way over to Sam, stepping over a few boxes. 

Sam patted the box next to his. “All the boxes on the floor are organized already. This one and the one I'm working on are last.”

“Okay.” Castiel scooted the boxes closer to himself. It was filled with books, a few wooden boxes, some files and some jars.

Sam started pointing at all the different boxes around the room. “That box there has books. That one has weapons. This one is jars. Those two are files and that one is tools. Anything that doesn't fit those categories just place on the table.”

“Got it.” 

They worked quietly for a while, every once in awhile showing the other an odd book or jar. Castiel hadn't spent this much time alone with Sam since the war with Metatron. It was nice. His coat was eventually discarded on a chair and tie hung loose around his neck. After a bit, he retreated to the floor, starting to feel weak. He didn't want to tell Sam the pain was starting to get worse, he was enjoying his time with him.

“Where are Mary and Dean?” Castiel finally asked. 

“They went out on a supply run. We needed some groceries and first aid supplies. Mom needed some other stuff, wouldn't tell us what.” 

Castiel nodded, pulling another manila file from his box. A sudden wave of dizziness had him cringing, dropping the file and gripping his head.

“Hey, Cas? What’s wrong?” 

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavy as he tried to will the room to stop spinning. “I'm just dizzy.” 

“I thought you were feeling better?” He felt Sam grip his arm and pull. “Come on. Let's get you off the floor.” He pulled him up into a chair, pulling one out for himself and sitting too. 

Castiel rolled his head back. The back of the chair wasn't tall enough so his head only stopped when the muscles wouldn't let it fall any further. The room eventually stopped spinning, allowing him to open his eyes without feeling like he was going to vomit. 

Focusing his grace, he attempted to send some healing energy to his aching shoulders. The grace came alive within him before the burning flared and he stopped. It fizzled out, leaving an ache behind. He swayed in his seat from the attempt, feeling as if he had even less energy than before.

“Hey, woah.” 

Sam jumped out of his chair and gripped Castiel’s arm, steadying him in his seat, feeling as if the room was spinning around him again. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Cas, you okay?” Sam sounded worried. 

He gripped his head as a wave of pain pulsed through his skull. “My head hurts.” 

“Okay,” Sam gripped his arm tighter, placing the other on his back, pulling Castiel up out of his chair, “Come on. Let’s get you to your room before you hurt yourself.” 

Sam guided him to his room, cautiously. When they reached their destination, he pulled Castiel out of his jacket before sitting him down on his bed. Once seated, Castiel reached up for his tie and pulled it off. Kicking his shoes off, he rolled onto his back. 

“Just try and heal, okay.”

“Thank you, Sam.” 

It didn’t take long before he found himself drifting off to sleep.


	6. Chapter Five

“This is your last chance, Castiel. Your last chance for true happiness. Stay with me and you can have whatever your heart desires.”

“I don’t desire anything.”

“Who are you lying to? Me or yourself.”

“I’m not playing your games.”

“Then why haven’t you fought back yet? Why haven’t you woken up?”

“I…”

“Admit it, Castiel. You like it here. Perhaps I could even call it… Love.”

“No.”

“You want to stay here, admit it.”

“Stop...”

“ADMIT IT!”

 

*****

 

Castiel jerked awake, sweat rolling down his forehead and back. The smell of urine and feces still permeating his senses as he tried to slow down his rapid breathing. A quick glance around the dark room reminded him he was in the bunker. His own room.

The clock on the night stand glowed 6:27 AM. He had been asleep for almost 16 hours. Normally, he didn’t require sleep, but his vessel required more healing. A quick grace check showed him that he was still down some energy. He flexed his shoulders and stretched his legs finding slightly less burn. At least his rest had earned him a small amount of relief.

He swung his legs around the side of the bed and sighed. Besides the soft hum emanating from the desk lamp that was still on across the room, it was silent. He ran a hand through his sweat damp hair before rubbing the back of his neck. His arms still hurt a bit and his head felt as if he had drank another liquor store. A wave of pain slammed through him, causing him to cringe. He gripped his head tight, lying back down on the bed, head throbbing causing the room to spin again

 

You need me. Need this. Just admit it.

 

He huffed, breathing heavy. Whatever the Djinn had done to him, it was going to take a very long time to heal. Whether it was the physical damage or the mental damage, he wasn’t sure. 

bzzzt

He opened his eyes at the sound of his phone buzzing. It was his text message notification. Waiting a few minutes for the throbbing to subside, he rolled to his side, grabbing his cell off the table. He illuminated the screen, seeing the notification bar.

 

New message from Claire Novak

 

He quickly unlocked the screen to read the message. She hadn't responded in a few days and he was desperate to know how she was doing. 

 

I'm fine  
6:38 am 

 

He closed the screen and set his phone down, rolling back into his back. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Her response gave him the smallest bit of hope that there was chance things between them could get better. 

He wanted that more than anything. 

 

*****

“Look who's finally up.”

Castiel gave a small smile as he sat down next to Sam at the kitchen table. “Good morning Dean, Sam.”

Plates and bowls littered the table. Some filled with food, others not. The pancakes were almost gone, same with the scrambled eggs and, from the looks of the crumbs, there had been sausage, toast and bacon as well. He gently nudged the empty plate of what used to be sausage across the table so he could lean on his end. Sam took his eyes off his laptop long enough to see what he was doing before returning to what he assumed was research. 

“Want something to eat?” Dean asked as he scarfed down a bite of toast. 

“I don't need to eat.”

Dean studied him as he chewed on his bite of toast. Castiel started to wonder if he had offended him again. “Does your vessel?” Dean finally asked. 

He hadn't thought of that before. Of course, as an Angel, he didn't require food to survive, but perhaps his body needed it to heal. Jimmy may no longer be in the vessel, but it was still human. Perhaps it still needed nutrients to function properly? 

He was still feeling the effects of being strung up and it had been over a week. Shrugging, he grabbed the last pancake, not bothering with any utensils. “I suppose it wouldn't hurt.”

Dean stared at him as he took a bit out of his pancake. “No syrup? Butter?” Castiel shook his head. Food was food. No matter what was on it, all he could taste was molecules. Thankfully food tasted slightly better now than it had right after he had gotten his grace back. 

Dean gaped at him in horror. He would have chuckled if he hadn't felt so tired. 

“So get this…” They both turned to give Sam their full attention, “Last night, a man was found dead in an alley with ‘what looks to be claw marks down the torso’.”

“Animal attack?” Castiel suggested, switching arms to rest on.

“Police report says the heart was missing from the body.”

Dean sighed and set down his half finished toast. “Werewolf.” 

“It's only a few hours away, we should check it out. Should be quick.”

Sam gathered his laptop and stood up, leaving the kitchen. Dean swiped his hands clean of crumbs as he stood as well. Castiel stayed where he was, taking another bite of his pancake. 

“Are you healing at all?” Dean asked, fingertips placed hard against the table top. 

Castiel chewed and shook his head, staring at the empty plates in front of him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't manage to summon any amount of grace to heal anything, and when he could summon grace, it hurt. Normally he would have been fully healed at this point, but after being attacked by the Djinn, his grace hadn’t been the same. 

“Probably best not to leave then.”

Castiel sighed. “I'll just wait here.” 

Dean didn’t move as Castiel kept his eyes on the plates. Dean had been acting strange since the Djinn attack. He got angry quickly (well quicker than usual) and would barely let Castiel step near the stairs out without interrogating him. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he was sort of relieved that the brothers would be gone for a few days. Would be nice to walk around freely without feeling like he was in jail.

“I’ll be fine.” How many times will he say it before he realizes it's not true?

After what felt like eternity, Dean finally stepped away from the table and left. “We'll call if we need anything.” Waiting until he heard the door to the garage close, Castiel finished his pancake and headed back towards his room.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't been having flashback like the last time. Any time he so much as closed his eyes, the dream world would come flooding back to him. It had truly been everything Castiel could have wanted. Although it had all been fake, it had felt very much real, and it had been right there, in his hands.

He was a fool.

It had been fake. It had all been fake. How could he let himself stay hung up on fake happiness? 

Shaking the thoughts from his head, Castiel stopped. How had the Djinn been able to feed off of him? There had to be more information on Djinns somewhere. 

The library.

Turning on his heels, Castiel headed to the bunker library. He may not be able to fight, but he could certainly try and find a way to heal faster. Rounding the corner he stopped. Mary was sitting at one of the tables, a book curled up between her arms. Hadn't she gone with the Winchesters? 

“Hello, Mary.”

Mary looked up and smiled. The two hadn't spent too much time together over the past week. Perhaps now was the time. “Hi Castiel. The boys went on a hunt. They'll be back in a few days, said they'd call if they needed anything.” 

“Yes, a werewolf possibly.” Castiel walked up to Mary’s table and attempted to sit down across from her. He couldn't help the small hiss that passed his lips as a wave of pain shot across his shoulder blades. 

“How are you Castiel? Been healing okay?” He managed a small nod as he slowly lowered himself down.

“I just need more rest.” He let out a relieved sigh as he got comfortable. “The healing process can be quite complex, I could try and explain using…”

She raised her hand and chuckled. “Maybe another time.” He couldn't help but return a smile.

“And… Claire, right? How is she doing?”

He gave a small smile. “She texted me that she was fine.”

“You don't believe her?”

“I believe her, I just wish she would tell me more.”

Mary outstretched her hand and placed it palm down on the table in front of him.“I'm sure she's fine. Jody would call if she wasn't, right?” 

He gave a weak smile and nodded. “Yes, I'm sure she would.” She wasn't wrong. Jody had told the boys shed call if anything went wrong. Mary smiled and looked back down at her book.

“What are you reading?”

“I've been looking up lore about Djinn.” Castiel’s eyes went wide. “I just find it odd that you've been affected so badly by this Djinn. From what Dean has told me, you would normally be healed by now, so why aren't you?”

Castiel was pleasantly shocked. Of course Mary had been very kind when they rescued him, he just didn't realize how much she actually cared. “Have you found anything?”

Mary deflated a bit in her chair. “No, I haven't. From the looks of the archives, though, there's some books on unexplained monster phenomenon somewhere in this bunker. After I've scoured through this book, I was going to go look for them.”

“I'll help you. You're not wrong, I normally would be healed by now. Do you think there's any lore in here on Angel grace?” 

“I haven’t seen any,” Mary shook her head, closing her book, “but if there is, it'll probably be hidden with the others.”

Castiel smiled as Mary stood and headed towards the file organizer. “Thank you, Mary.”

Mary stopped and turned. They both stared at each other like they were having a second silent thank you. He could never thank her enough. “You're welcome, Castiel.”


	7. Chapter Six

“What’s wrong, Cas?”

“Nothing, I’m just...tired.”

“That’s unlike you. Are you sick, like angelic sick? Do angels get sick?”

“No, well yes, angels can get sick, but I’m not angelic sick or human sick.”

“Then what are you?”

“......I don’t know….”

 

*****

 

For the third morning in a row, Castiel awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting down the hall. The bunker was much quieter with the boys away. With Mary always reading or sleeping and Castiel not doing much other than that as well, it wasn't the same. As much as he enjoyed not having Dean breathing down his back, he still missed the extra company.

Stretching out and groaning at the continued small burning he felt still, he climbed out of bed and followed the smells. 

He found her in the kitchen, empty giant bowl of cereal and a half drunk cup of coffee always in the same place. She looked up from the book she was reading and smiled. “Hello, Mary.” 

“Morning Castiel.”

“Doing more research?” He sat down across from her, like he usually did. She had a new book this time, Sigils and Spells Vol. 32. 

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to find some information on those symbols you showed me, but haven’t found anything. I’m beginning to think they don’t mean anything.”

“Perhaps not. Dean seems to think it’s just extra warding for the bunker.”

“He’s probably right.”

Nodding, he grabbed Mary’s cup and tilted it to look inside. It had been a long time since he last had coffee. He enjoyed it as an angel, but had acquired more of a taste for it as a human. 

“There's some more left if you want a cup.”

Deciding he could use a glass, Castiel stood and turned towards the coffee maker. Sam and Dean were gone, so he borrowed one of their mugs and poured a glass. He was surprised how much the smell was getting to him. It smelled absolutely amazing, already making him feel a little less achy and a little less tired. Sitting back down, he cupped his hands around the mug and smiled. Mary chuckled at him and continued reading. 

They sat in silence for awhile, the only noises coming from the occasional turn of a page or the scratching of his mug against the table. He was really growing to enjoy having Mary around. She almost always called him by his full name, and she always greeted him when he entered a room. If she was going somewhere she made a point to let him know or even offer to join her. Something about her living there now made him feel a little more at home. 

After finishing his mug and, not regrettingly, a second, he decided to take a shower. The shower room was large, multiple stalls lining the far wall across from a row of sinks. Small dividers stood between each stall, giving a small sense of privacy. Shrugging out of his clothes and folding them neatly on the bench that lined the far wall, Castiel stepped in and turned on the water. 

The relief was almost instant. Steam rolled off his skin, proof of how hot his vessels temperature had been running. The burning of his grace had been mild since the morning before and he was beginning to believe the healing process would begin any day. 

It had been 2 weeks since the Djinn dream and he still couldn't heal himself or even function as his usual self. He required sleep, many more hours than any of the Winchesters, and was even eating. If it weren't for the constant pain, he would have forgotten he even had grace. Of course, even if things had been different and he wasn't in pain, he probably still wouldn't be using his grace like he used to anyways. 

Over the years, Castiel had noticed that the brothers were much more comfortable when he wasn't using his powers. Reprimanding him for one reason or another. He never understood why. Wouldn't using his powers be helpful? Perhaps there was something about hunting that he was missing? 

Or, perhaps his powers intimidated the brothers? Maybe being as powerful as he used to be was a red flag for them? That's why they never seemed too concerned over his lack of powers and lack of abilities. What if they wanted him to be human? Would he do it? Would he rip out his own grace and become human again?

Turning into the spray, he bent his head to let the water beat against his head, dripping down his face. If he was human, he might feel suffocated, feel like he was drowning, but he was an angel. Powerful or not, he didn't require breathing. Why couldn't the brothers see that as an advantage?

He stayed in the shower for a few more minutes, taking his time to clean every inch and enjoy the cool spray against his hot skin. Showering was something he would add to his daily routine from now on. At least till he was fully healed. 

*****

Stepping out of his room, scrubbing his towel through his hair, he ran into Mary. The look in her eyes showed a human on a mission.

“Hello, Mary. Find anything on those symbols?”

She stopped and smiled up at him. No matter what time of day, she always had that healing energy rolling off of her. “No. I did, however, find a room filled with more boxes. Care to join me in organizing them?”

“Of course.” He followed her down the hall and around a few corners. Even after years of being here, the Winchesters still hadn't explored every inch. 

“There's quite a few empty rooms down this way. I got curious when I found a locked one.” She turned her head as she walked and smirked at him. “Don't tell the boys I broke the door.”

He smiled back. “Of course.” 

Mary entered the room and switched on the lights. He could see the splintered wood on the door and split wood on the frame. From the looks of wood pieces across the room, he would guess she kicked it open. 

The room was filled with boxes stacked floor to ceiling. They were lined along the far wall and came, he would guess, 6 boxes forward. 

“There's a lot, I know, but I figured we could just skim through them? Only bother with the boxes that have books in them?”

Castiel nodded. “I would think that's best.”

Rubbing her hands together, Mary stepped forward and grabbed the first box. It would certainly be an interesting day. 

*****

“Hey, I think I found something.”

Boxes were now scattered all around the room and out into the hallway. Castiel was boxed into a corner, surrounded by boxes filled with weapons, spell books, old notebooks filled with doodles, and an old Angel torture device Castiel hadn’t seen in hundreds of years. Looking up from the box he was currently scavenging through, he saw Mary waving a book at him.

“It says it’s about the relationship between Angels and Demons.”

“What kind of relationship?” 

Shrugging, she opened the first few pages, reading through them. Eventually her eyebrows shot up. “Oh, um…. Well…. It’s about actual relationships. Some angel and demon were… Uh… Getting it on and someone found out.”

Tilting his head, he frowned. He had never heard of an Angel and a Demon having a relationship. How had he never heard of one? “Does it mention their names at all?”

Skimming through a bit more, she shook her head. “No, it doesn’t look like it. I guess they found evidence from a few thousand years ago. Some ancient text?”

Castiel shrugged. “I’ve never heard of it. It’s certainly uncommon and, if I had to guess, they were probably dealt with by heaven.” Mary tossed the book aside and kept digging through her box.

A slow burn started to creep its way from his chest and down his arms to his fingers. He had a feeling things would start to get worse if he didn’t get up. Dropping the torture device, he pushed a few boxes aside and stood up. “I’m just going to get some air. I will be right back.”

Mary gave him a questioning look but nodded. “Okay, I’ll just be here.”

He made his way out of the room and down the hallway. Now that he was standing, the burn started to grow, slow pulses pushing their way down his back, his legs, through his toes. With every step he took it grew hotter and hotter. The grace within him started to tense forcing his vessels muscles to do the same. Rounding the corner near the library they locked up, pitching him forward and crashing against the small set of stairs. A cry barely muffled as he bit his tongue. 

He felt his mouth fill with blood as the burn intensified. All his muscles tensed again as a wave of pain shot throughout his vessel. He bucked and cried out again, turning onto his side. Grabbing the back of his head with both hands, he tucked his chin against his chest. If he could just make himself smaller, perhaps the pain would ease. Maybe whatever was wrong with him would find his weakness unworthy and flee him, leaving him to suffer his own self depreciation than this. 

He laid there, sweat soaking his shirt as he waited for the burn to subside. His hands trembling against his skull as he pulled into himself, hiding from something that wasn’t even there. Or maybe trying to hide from himself. In the end it didn’t matter. 

Five minutes, ten, sixty, he didn't know how long he laid there before regaining control of his leg muscles. He slowly uncurled from himself, cautious of a wrong move sending shockwaves through his nerves. Sitting on the library stairs he allowed himself a few steady breaths. He was either dying or withering away into nothing. Which one he prefered, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was he wanted whatever was wrong with him to either kill him or stop. There was no telling how much longer he could stand being tortured like this. How much longer he could pretend that everything was just fine. 

There was no harm in rechecking some books they had already gone through. Plus, he wanted to calm down a little more before going back to sorting boxes Mary. Taking one more deep breath he stood, heading further into the library. 

He’d give it a few more days. If the burning and pain didn’t stop, he would tell the Winchesters then. No point in worrying them with something that would end up being no problem at all. There were more important issues to deal with. He could do it. He could.


	8. Chapter Seven

“You haven’t said much these past few days. Is everything okay?”

“Sam, what would you do if you found out everything was fake?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you were to discover that things weren't as they seemed? That you were living a lie?”

“Is everything okay, Cas?”

“No… It’s not.”

 

*****

“Cas! Mom!”

Castiel looked up from his book to see Dean struggling to hold what looked like an unconscious Sam. Immediately he was up out of his seat and running to meet him at the bottom of the stairs. Sam was in bad shape. A large gash across his chest was bleeding through the bandages that were placed along them, Sam’s still clutching to them. 

“What happened?!” Castiel wrapped his arm around the other half of Sam and followed Dean down the hallway. 

“There were more than we thought. Sammy got jumped. Mom!!”

Mary emerged from her bedroom as they sped past. “Hey…. What happened?!”

“Sammy’s hurt. Cas get the door.” Castiel managed to get the door to Sam’s room open just before Dean pushed them through. “Cas, grab the first aid kit out of my duffle and hand it to me. I've got to fix his stitches now. Mom, in the war room there's a box of…”

“Supplies, got it.” Mary was out the door.

Castiel let go and Dean gently laid Sam on the bed. The duffle bag that had been hanging from Dean's shoulder was dropped on the floor. He scooped it up and started digging through. The bag was filled with weapons ammo and a few items of clothing. He pushed away a few riffles and pistols but he couldn't seem to find the box. Eventually he started to just grab the guns and take them out of the bag.

“Cas!”

“Almost got it!” Pushing away another rifle, he spotted the box and ripped it from the bag. He practically threw it at Dean, him grabbing it with precision and starting on Sam. 

Only seconds later was Mary running in with the rest of the supplies Dean had requested. “How is he?” She asked, a slight shake evident in her voice. 

“He passed out right before we got here. He’ll be fine, it’ll be okay. I just gotta close these wounds.” Dean never looked up as he talked, all his focus on the task at hand. “You hear that little brother, you're going to be just fine.” 

Dean’s hands were shaking as he peeled away the bandages Castiel could only assume Dean had placed there to begin with. He kept mumbling to Sam words of encouragement as he worked, his rough hands moving quick but gentle as he tried to stop the bleeding. It was then that Castiel realized how dirty Dean was. There was blood coating his arms, his pants, his face. The expression of determination gone, replaced by panic, something he hadn't seen very often. Dean was a mess, in more ways than one. 

Mary and Castiel shared a look before she walked around to the other side of the bed and kneeled at Sam’s side. She carefully placed her hand on Sam’s forehead and gently pushed his hair out of his face. She frowned at the bloodstains across his cheek. 

Dean used his teeth to rip open a package, his teeth slipping as his hands shook. He was more successful the second time, spitting the paper out and throwing the trash aside. 

“Dean?” Mary’s voice was soft.

Dean didn't respond or stop what he was doing. Castiel wasn't sure if it was because he was busy with the task at hand, or if he simply hadn't heard her. 

“Dean.” This time Mary reached out and gripped Dean's hand. He tried to pull it away but Mary’s grip stayed strong. 

“Dean!” Finally, he looked up at his mom. He was distressed. His eyes shone with tears that hadn't spilled yet while his expression tried to portray a man that was perfectly fine. Castiel could sense a war raging on inside him. To not allow his mother to see him struggle with a bleeding and unconscious Sam, or allow her to be his mom and help him. 

“It’s going to be okay. Sam is in good hands, yours. He’s still breathing and the bleeding isn’t as bad as you think.” Castiel watched as Dean looked down at Sam and took it all in. He nodded at Mary. “Let’s clean up some of the blood before we start again. You can't do your best if you can't see the stitches properly.” Dean nodded and allowed his mom to take over.

Castiel watched as the two began working together. Mary grabbed a pair of scissors from the box of supplies and cut Sam’s shirt off. Dean grabbed more cloth and wiped away blood. Sam not moving, eyes closed. He couldn’t remember the last time one of the brothers had been in such bad shape. Even if he did, it would have been back in a tie when all Castiel would have needed to do was touch them. One touch and all wounds, scars, illnesses would be healed.

Now he was useless, standing in the doorway watching as Mary and Dean worked to take care of Sam. What could he do? He was powerless, broken. He could barely go a few hours without being in his own state of unconsciousness let alone help heal someone of theirs. Human nursing techniques were beyond him. How could he truly know how to treat a wound when all he had needed to do before was touch? 

Not knowing what else to do, he bent down and started putting the weapons back in the bag, every few seconds looking up to see if anything had changed. To see if anyone needed anything.

They never did.

Finishing putting the weapons back, he decided he wasn't needed anymore. “I'll just be in the kitchen if you need anything.” 

Neither Winchester answered. They hadn't needed to. Sam was in good hands, he was just in the way at this point. Grabbing the weapons’ bag, he turned and left the room. 

*****

 

An hour went by before Mary made her way to the library. Castiel looked up and smiled. 

“How's Sam?”

She gave a weak smile and stopped, not taking the few steps into the library. Castiel noticed her change of clothes. “He'll be fine. We got him stitched up and bandaged. He's still asleep.”

He nodded. “And Dean?”

She looked down and sighed. Finally deciding to climb the steps up, she sat down beside him. He could tell that she wanted to talk, but was conflicted. With the events of the last few days, he hoped that Mary knew she could talk to him about anything. 

“He's been quiet. I'm sure he’ll be fine once Sam wakes up...”

“But?” 

“I'm not sure I'm fine.” She gave a heavy sigh, head and shoulders dropping. He couldn’t help but notice just how defeated she looked. She had been so kind to him ever since the Djinn, in his mind, more than he deserved. Perhaps now was his chance to help her. To pay back her kindness with more kindness. 

She leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. “This was the first time one of us has been severely hurt. I kept seeing my baby Sam instead of the man he's become and my toddler Dean, covered in blood.” Mary visibly shivered. “I've dealt with hunter wounds before, but this… This was my son. My boys.”

Castiel reached over and placed his hand over Mary's arm. “He's okay. They're both okay. Sam and Dean, they're strong men. Having you here probably helped more than you know, especially for Dean.”

She didn’t look at him, but gave a half hearted smile. “I wasn’t much help. Dean knew far more than I did about what to do. What if it happens again and I can't help?” 

Castiel squeezed her arm. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, Mary, is you never give up. You love those boys and they love you too. I can’t imagine there would ever be a time where you couldn’t help them.” Mary looked over at Castiel, meeting his eyes. He gave a small smile before letting go of her arm and sitting back in his chair. A memory pulled a smile from him.

“Do you remember what you told me, back at the hotel?” Mary frowned and shook her head. “You told me ‘mothers know everything’. I don’t know much about mothers, but you were able to take care of me, an angel. I could imagine you could also take care of your human sons.” Finally giving a genuine smile, Mary sat back in her chair.

“I don’t know if I ever properly thanked you for that, so, thank you. For taking care of me.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Castiel. If there’s one thing that I have learned, you’re family. Family takes care of one another, no questions asked.” He smiled and looked down at his feet. “But you’re welcome, Castiel.”

They sat in silence together for a while. Castiel could tell that was all she needed. Someone to just be there while she worked through the events of the day. He could do that. He would always do that for a Winchester. Sure it wasn’t always easy and, at times, he had to wonder whether him being around was being helpful or causing more problems, but they hadn’t asked him to leave. Not for a long time now, and hopefully never again. After everything they had all been through together, they simply meant too much to him.


	9. Chapter Eight

“Hey, can we talk?”

“Of course, Dean.”

“I've been thinking a lot, lately, about you and Mom and Sam.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No. It hasn't been in a long time. And…. I want to apologize.”

“For what?”

“You're family, Cas. Family is there, through the good, the bad… I… I haven't always been there, and I'm sorry.”

“It’s okay, Dean.”

“No, it’s not. From now on, I'm going to be there for you. Whatever you need, I'm there. No questions asked. I’ll be a better friend, I promise.”

“Dean…”

 

*****  
Hello, Sam.”

Sam looked up and smiled. Besides some bruises scattered across his chest and neck, he was looking much better. There was more color in his cheeks, and of course, he was conscious this time. “Hey, Cas. You’re looking better.”

Castiel nodded and stepped further into the room. “So are you. How are your wounds?”

Sam shrugged, a cringe immediately following. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Now that’s not true.” Castiel stepped to the side so Dean could make his way into the room. He was carrying a pile of wet cloth he assumed were for cleaning Sam’s wounds. “He whines day in and day out. I swear, it’s like he’s a toddler.” Sarcasm. He was getting better at picking it up. 

Sam scoffed. “Should I mention Oconomowoc?”

Dean set the bowl down on the night stand and groaned. “Oh come on! Let that go already.”

Sam grinned up at his older brother. It had been a while since Castiel had watched the two of them like this. Bickering about nonsense, not worrying about demons or the end of times. Sam may have been wounded, but he seemed different, calm even. Castiel wishes he could know how Sam did it. Staying calm and collected even as he laid in bed, barely edging away from death. He would always admire Sam. 

“As soon as you let my almost death go, I'll let Oconomowoc go.” 

Dean frowned down at Sam for a moment before sighing. “Fine. Deal.” 

“Was there a meeting I wasn't informed of?” Castiel turned to see Mary stepping past him. 

“Nah, just came in here to get Sammy more clean cloths.” Dean noted, stepping over towards her. 

“I came to see how Sam was doing. His wounds were fairly serious earlier.” Castiel glanced over at Sam in time to see him smile at him. 

“Thanks Cas. I really am fine though.” Sam placed his hands on the mattress to try and push himself further up the bed. Castiel frowned as Sam whimpered causing Mary to step further into the room. 

“Sam, be careful. You could rip open your stitches again.”

“Yeah, man.” Dean's voice shook slightly. Not enough for the others to notice, but Castiel had. He cleared his throat and looked down towards the floor. “Don't want to clean your bloody sheets again.”

“Shut up.” Both men chuckled. 

Sam shook his head and scooted down, laying on the bed. Mary kneeled next to the bed and started peeling off Sam’s old bandages. He hissed as Mary started cleaning one of his angrier looking gashes. 

“You okay?” Dean asked, eyes trailing rapidly over Sam’s wounds. He stood awkwardly next to Sam, opposite Mary. 

Castiel wanted to leave, feeling the energy in the room change. He never liked being around the brothers when they bickered and he had a feeling it was about to start. 

Sam hissed again before gritting his teeth and closing his eyes. “I know you mean well, but I swear if I hear you ask me one more time if I'm okay or if I need anything else, I'm gonna pull my own hair out.” 

Dean looked taken aback, brows furying into anger. “What's wrong with asking if you're okay?” Mary continued to clean Sam’s stitches as if nothing was happening. 

“You’ve been hovering for three days now. If something’s wrong, I'll tell you.”

“Right, like how you told me about your god visions or the demon blood.” 

“Dean, come on.” Sam groaned frustrated.

“Dean,” Mary interrupted, squeezing the cloth out in the bowl, “ maybe it’s best if you give your brother some space for a few days. Let him heal.” 

Dean glared down at Mary. Castiel really felt like he should go. “I'm trying to help!”

Mary looked up at Dean this time, her expression calm as if to try and bring that to the argument. “You can help by giving him some space. Sam is fine, he just needs time to heal.”

Dean huffed in anger. “Well sorry for caring!” Castiel watched as Dean turned and stormed down the hallway. 

“Dean, wait...” Sam hissed as he attempted to sit up too quickly. “Shit!” 

“Sam!You can't do that. I told you, you'll rip your stitches.” Mary placed her hand on Sam’s shoulder and made him lie back down. 

“He wasn’t supposed to react that way.” Sam slowly lowered himself back down.

“Maybe not, but it may be for the best. He was driving you nuts, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

“I’ll go talk to him.” They both turned to look at Castiel. 

Mary smiled and Sam nodded in defeat. “Thanks Cas.”

“Of course.”

He didn’t need to guess where Dean had gone. There was only one place in the bunker Dean hid out in, the garage. The dream Dean had been the same way, hiding in the garage, fixing the Impala while he sorted out his own thoughts. He opened the door to the garage and walked up the few steps. 

The Impala was parked in the middle, black paint shining underneath the lights. Dean was off to the side, hands gripping the railing. Castiel stopped and watched him. His shoulders were tense, and if he had to guess, his arms were shaking. Suddenly he reached behind himself and grabbed a wrench out of his back pocket, chucking it across the room. It made a loud clanking noise as it hit a wall and fell to the ground. 

He turned around and stopped, spotting Castiel. Anger and hurt were rolling off him heavier than Castiel could ever remember. He knew that Sam’s injury scared Dean, he just hadn’t realized till now the extent of Dean’s emotions. He always tried to hide himself from Castiel, but it never worked. No matter what, he was still an angel and could sense anything he needed to.

Rolling his eyes, Dean walked to the back of the Impala, opening the trunk. “I’m fine, Cas.”

He smiled and tilted his head to the side. “I don’t know much about being fine, but I'm sure that wasn’t it.” He walked up and stood near Dean, wanting to give him some space but still wanting him to know he was there.

Dean gripped the end of the Impala. Dropping his head with a shake, he sighed. “It wasn’t supposed to have gone that way.” 

“The hunt?”

He nodded his head. “We were supposed to go in, take out the two on the top floor and the three in the basement. We took out the two upstairs without a hitch. Then …. I don’t know. The next thing I knew we were surrounded by a dozen… Maybe more.” 

Dean shook his head, breath hitching in his throat. Castiel could tell he was struggling with the memories and wanted to reach out but stopped himself. Dean needed to work through it on his own. He would be there when he was done.

“I just remember claws and blood and bullets. I grabbed Sammy and we ran. I don’t know if it was… Adrenaline or what, but….... We were almost back at the Impala when I turned and didn’t see him behind me….. I panicked….. I ran back. He was 200 yards behind, I… I don’t know how I hadn’t noticed… I was listening… I…..”

“Dean… It’s okay. Sam’s okay now.”

“NO!” 

He pushed off the Impala and stood square with Castiel, anger hitting him like a brick wall. “He was my responsibility and I failed! AGAIN! It’s not like you would understand.” Castiel’s heart stopped. He hadn’t seen him this angry since the Mark.

Dean made direct eye contact with him and pointed a finger in his face. “You run off and get yourself killed all the goddamn time with no regard to how your actions affect those around you! I’m so sick of you not listening to me or Sam!”

“Dean.” Castiel wasn’t sure what had just happened. 

He shook his head in disgust. “Oh stop, you know I’m right! You let me down all the time! If you hadn’t run off on your own to find Claire, you wouldn’t have been injured! You could’ve been there to help us! To help Sam!”

“Dean, what happened wasn’t my fault!”

“It might as well been!” Castiel shook his head. He had no idea what to do. Dean was mad. What was worse, it was all directed at him.

“Just… Go away, Cas.” He turned and walked away, taking interest in a motorcycle across the room.

Castiel stood for a moment, fear gluing him in his spot. What should he do? What could he do? He couldn’t help but wonder if he would have been more prepared if dream Dean hadn’t been the way he had. They had been very similar, but still, they were just two sides of the same coin. 

Swallowing hard, he nodded his head and turned, leaving Dean alone. 

 

*****

A lot had happened over the years. Sometimes he would think back to everything that had happened after taking a vessel. The war, Lucifer, Leviathan, Metatron, Cain, the darkness. Castiel had been through it all. 

Even through all the good and the bad, nothing had destroyed him more than becoming human. 

When he first came to earth, he could sense emotions. The only difference was that he didn’t know what they meant. Each emotion felt different, and yet they all just meant the same thing; emotions. Humans were immensely complex and yet so easy to understand. That was until he became a human himself.

Being human gave him definitions to the emotions being felt. He couldn't sense them anymore, but he could read them. What was worse, he could feel them.

The first time he felt happiness was overwhelming. The fullness in his chest, the tingling feelings running through his veins. It had been too much and yet not enough. 

The first time he felt pain was overwhelming. The stinging and burning. Feeling the body take over, attempting to heal the injuries. He could feel it when his grace had healed wounds, it just hadn't felt so intense. 

The first time he had felt sadness, it had felt like he was dying. The tightness in his chest, the fear the despair. 

The first time he really cried. Feeling like his heart was breaking. 

He saw humanity with an even deeper light. Every day, for their entire existence, they had to deal with these emotions, plus some he knew he hadn't even come close to being able to experiencing. 

Now, as an angel, it was worse. While he didn't feel emotions as deeply anymore, he now knew and understood them. When humans felt, the emotions rolling off them, he understood them. He felt what they felt. 

It was overwhelming. 

It wasn’t until he was an angel again that he finally experienced another emotion; betrayal. 

Anger, sadness, fear, heartbreak, disgust, all in one tidal wave of despair. 

He would never forget that day in the bunker. Standing in front of Dean, begging him to let him help. Begging him to stop. Watching as the Dean he had always known disappeared, replaced by the demon standing in front of him. 

He’s never said anything, but he hates the library. Every gruesome moment ingrained into his memory for the rest of his existence. It wasn't just the punches that had hurt. It was knowing who was delivering them. Who was kneeling above him, ready to kill him without a second thought. 

In that moment, Dean's arm above him, angel blade in hand, he believed he was going to die. He was about to die and it was Dean who was killing him. 

That moment of understanding destroyed him. 

He just laid there after Dean had left. Staring at his blade now lodged into a book. The tears eventually fell. Only stopping when Sam returned. 

They'd been through alot, Dean and him. Ever moment it felt like they were fighting a war. It was rare that they got to actually be friends. Even then, one was going through something that the other was trying to fix. 

Dean felt more than any human he’d ever known. He tried to understand the emotions Dean threw his way, but he never felt one at a time like Sam or even Mary. He felt three, four, five. 

That was unless he was feeling anger.

Castiel didn't know what to do. The last time Dean had been that angry, he had almost killed him. 

The burning within him flared up. He pitched forward, sitting on the edge of his bed, whimpering out in pain. It burned everywhere. His hands, feet, head, shoulders, chest. If he listened hard enough he could swear he could hear his own grace crying out. Every fiber of his being was in constant torture. 

They were trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Mary kept up with digging through the Men Of Letters database while he kept up with reading. He had read over 20 different books on Djinn, Angels, vessels,and anything that seemed similar. Still he was no closer to figuring out what was wrong with him. 

He looked to his side and noticed his phone on the night stand. It was flashing a green light. That meant he had a text message. Opening the message, he saw it was from Claire.

 

Can we get dinner some time?  
9:05 am

 

His heart skipped a beat. The time read 9:54 am. If he left now, he could make it to Sioux Falls in 6 hours. 

 

Of course. I can be there tonight, if you like?  
9:55 am

 

Ok  
9:58 am

 

Standing, he grabbed his coat and walked out his room. There was no use sitting and hiding out in his room, their room. Claire was finally going to let him help her. For the first time in days, he felt hope.


	10. Chapter Nine

“Cas! What happened? Are you okay?” 

“I’m okay. We were just hunting a vampire.”

“What are you doing here?”

“We were close by. I wanted to check on you, Jody and Alex, make sure you're okay.”

“Of course I'm okay. I should be more worried about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course, dork. I… I love you. I don't want you getting hurt.”

 

*****

 

“Table for two, please.”

The woman working the hostess desk smiled at them both and made a mark on her desk. Castiel took a moment to look around the diner. It must have been a slow night for the restaurant since besides he and Claire, there were only two other tables filled. 

“Follow me.” The woman grabbed two menus from under her desk and lead them through the restaurant. She brought them to a table settled right along big Bay windows, offering a spectacular view of the Falls. 

“Your server will be right out.”

“Thank You.” Castiel mumbled as he took a seat across from Claire.

He took note of her lack of communication. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn’t help but want to get their relationship to the level dream Claire and him had developed. 

She peeled off her jacket and hung it along the back of her chair before sitting. Immediately she picked up the menu and half hid herself behind it. Castiel tried to make light conversation, he just wanted to hear her talk. To talk about anything. 

“It's a beautiful view.” She didn't even look up from her menu. “I've been here for millennia and I've never seen this place.” 

“Huh.” 

A sudden burning through his grace caused to him hiss out in pain. He dropped his head and closed his eyes, trying to will the pain away. He was with Claire, the last thing he wanted was to have it derailed because he couldn't hold himself together. 

“Hey.” 

He managed to open his eyes and look up at Claire. She was staring at him over her menu. Swallowing hard, he shook his head and coughed. “I'm okay.”

“Are you still hurt from the Djinn?” He nodded and looked away. “How bad is it?”

He stared out at the falls. “If I’m being completely honest, it’s not good. Whatever the Djinn did to me, it’s eating away at my grace.”

Claire placed her menu back down. He didn’t meet her eyes, but he could feel worry emanating from her. “Is… Is there something I can do? Or Jody, maybe?”

Pulling in a smile he shook his head. “I don’t think so.” Looking at Claire, he could see the worry now in her eyes. “I’ll be okay. We’ve been doing some research. I’m sure something will come up eventually.”

“I can help, I..."

“Good evening. My name is Amanda and I'll be your server tonight. Can I get you both started with any drinks?” 

Claire sat back in her seat and sighed. “Coke, please. He'll just have a water.” She ordered with ease as if she’d done this before. “We're also ready to order.”

“Oh! Okay.” The waitress scrambled with her pen and pad. “Go ahead.”

Castiel watched on as she grabbed both their menus, rattling off their order. “I'm going to have the chicken strips, ranch on the side. He'll have your cheeseburger, medium, raw onions with a side of fries.”

The waitress chuckled as she scribbled it all down and grabbed the menus. “Sounds good! I'll get your order put in and be back with your drinks.”

Castiel barely got out a thank you before the waitress hurried off. Normally he wouldn’t have ordered anything, being an angel he didn’t require food. Sometimes, when with the brothers, they would have him order a burger and one of them would eat it for him. Dean had said is was to stop people from wondering why he wasn’t eating. Sam said it was so Dean could eat more without being judged. 

Looking back at Claire, she was now staring outside. It was very clear to Castiel that she was upset by something. “I’m sorry.”

Castiel frowned and tilted his head to the side. “For what?”

She shifted in her chair, not taking her eyes off the falls. “My dad, he liked burgers. That’s how he always ordered them. It was a detail the Djinn even knew.”

Castiel took a slow breath and sighed. “If this is too much…”

“No…” Claire looked back at him and sighed, “No, I just.” She closed her eyes and sighed again. “It’s hard, but, I’m trying.” 

“Here's your drinks.” The waitress, Amanda, set their drinks down and pulled straws from her pocket. “Can I get you both anything else?”

Castiel looked back at Claire. She was leaned back against her chair and looking outside, completely ignoring what was happening. He looked up at the waitress and gave a half smile. “No, thank you.”

The waitress gave him a sad smile in return and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I'll be back around to check on you.”

Once she left, he attempted to bring the conversation back around. Perhaps if he could try and bypass her noticing that he looked like her father, maybe they could have a real conversation. He remembered Jody mentioning training Claire on how to do the police aspect of hunting. “How's hunting been going?

Claire perked up in interest and looked over at Castiel. She took a second before answering. “It's been okay. Jody has shown me ways to hack into the system to check records. Came in handy a few weeks ago when I was hunting a ghost.”

“You and Jody hunted a ghost? How did it go?”

She paused and shifted in her chair. “I hunted alone. Jody stayed back.” 

Castiel felt fear and anger build up inside his chest. “Claire, you shouldn't be hunting alone. It's dangerous.”

“It's fine. I knew what I was doing. It was just a ghost.”

“Anything could have happened. You could have gotten hurt, or worse…” He shook his head as if to rid the thoughts in his mind. 

“Well I didn't!” He shook his head in disagreement. She huffed out in anger and sat back, placing her attention back on the falls.That didn’t go as planned.

Perhaps, if dream Claire could forgive him, maybe real Claire could too. Maybe he could fix what he had promised Jimmy he would protect. She deserved so much, he just wished she would allow him the ability to give her that. 

The waitress showed again with their food. “Here’s the chicken strips, ranch on the side. And your burger, raw onions and fries.” She set both plates down and smiled. “Can I get you both anything else?” Claire kept her attention on the falls, ignoring the waitress completely. 

“No, thank you.” The waitress smiled down at Castiel and walked away with a nod.

Neither of them moved. His heart ached, not just for himself, but for Claire. He hurt her so much, and even after the past few years, things still hadn't healed. How could they? In Claire's mind, he had killed her father. Though it wasn't exactly what had happened, it was a fair conclusion. Plus, he knew it didn't help that he looked exactly like her father, probably sounded like him as well. 

Jimmy was a great man. On top of that he was a fantastic father, that was before Castiel showed up and ruined the one good thing he had. A part of Jimmy had known that what he was doing was for the greater good, to aid in saving the world. Then, after being shot and begging to be taken as Castiel's vessel again, he became more vigilant. 

Castiel remembered those last few days, before the apocalypse came to a head and he was obliterated by Raphael. He had kept a closer eye on Jimmy, listening to him as he thought to himself. Every once in awhile praying that everyone would be safe. One person was always at the forefront of Jimmy’s mind; Claire. 

Castiel wished that he could go back in time and pay more attention to his family. To protect them like he had promised. So much time was spent with the WInchesters, helping them, aiding them, guiding them. How things could be so much different if he had practised what he now preached. If he had done what Hannah had done. 

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“Claire…” So much had happened since he last saw Claire. Dean had the Mark and got worse, then of course the Darkness and the curse Rowena placed on him. Then there was Lucifer and Amara. Then God. British Men of Letters. More Lucifer. 

“So much has happened over the past two years. I never meant to leave you alone, again… I'm sorry. If I could go back and fix the mistakes I’ve made I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t, and I’m sorry. I made a promise to your father, before he died. I promised that I would keep his family safe, you safe. I didn’t keep that promise, but I’m going to keep it now. I understand that it’s hard for you to be around me, but no matter what, I will always be there for you and I will always protect you.”

“How did you know where to find me?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Sam told me that you went after me. How did you know?”

“I heard your prayer. I followed it to that warehouse.”

“Oh...”

“I always have a piece of me tuned to you.”

They ate in silence after that, only speaking when the waitress returned with more questions. Castiel had a feeling that their dinner went well, waves of anger no longer rolling off of Claire. After his fight with Dean, things were finally starting to look up.

Castiel paid the check and they left. Claire made a snide remark about his truck before climbing in giggling. He smiled back and they pulled out of the parking lot. Claire leaned over and played with the radio stations, stopping when she smiled.

“Oh! I love this song!” Most of the time he liked to drive in silence, but she was smiling and quietly singing along to the music. He could get used to it. 

The sounds of drums, guitar and piano flowed through the cabin. The man’s voice echoing emotions of hurt and love. Castiel couldn’t help his fingers from tapping along to the beat. It was catchy.

Claire reached forward again and turned the music down a bit. “Do you listen to music?”

Castiel shrugged, flipping the right turn signal, merging lanes. “Not usually. Although I do appreciate certain wavelengths that blend together in perfect harmony.”

Claire laughed. “That’s not very specific. Did you like that last one?”

“It was enjoyable, yes. The music I’ve grown to know usually doesn’t have lyrics.”

“Okay, hold on.” Castiel saw her from the corner of his eye reach into her pocket and produce her cellphone. “Give me your phone.”

Castiel obliged. She opened it up and started playing around with the different buttons. “Geez, do you have anything downloaded on this thing?”

“I don’t use it except for contacting people. Should I use it for other things?”

“Do you even have pictures?”

“I have a few.”

“Hey, what’s this?”

Castiel turned his head and saw the symbols he had taken earlier. “Oh, I had found those painted onto the side of the bunker. I was going to research them and see what they meant.”

“I could do that.”

Castiel shrugged. There was no reason why she couldn’t help. He was almost certain they didn’t mean anything so there would be no harm in her doing some research. “Okay. If you would like.”

“Okay, I’ll text these to myself. Then I’m downloading a music app for you. It’s time you learned the finer things in life.”

Castiel chuckled. On his drive up he had imagined many scenarios that could have played out, this was not one of them. He couldn’t have been happier.


	11. Chapter Ten

Castiel pulled up to the bunker and sighed. It was dark out, about half past 10, the sounds of the wind blowing against the tall grass giving Castiel a momentary feeling of being at peace. When he had had his wings, there would be moments when he’d be standing at the top of the swiss mountains, or sitting next to one of the millions of lighthouses around the world, he’d feel like he finally understood why God had created all that he had. 

The sounds of the ocean as it hit the rocks below. The music that would sing through the mountains as wind swept down from the sky. Castiel’s favorite spots were always the ones deep in a forest, surrounded by trees and grass and rock. Creatures scurrying along the forest floor while birds danced in the sky. Everything was so peaceful. Everything made sense. He could sit and just be an angel. An angel of no particular importance, just another one of God's many creations mingling with the others. 

Pulling the keys out of the ignition, he climbed out and wandered around behind the bunker. It was not exactly a forest that resided there, but a patch of trees that covered the city; A small slice of peace. Moonlight drifted through the canopy of leaves as Castiel made his way through. Picking a random tree, he walked up and placed a palm against the trunk. It was rough against his vessels fingers and pulsed against his grace; the life bright and extraordinary within.

Allowing a little grace through his vessels hand, light illuminated behind his fingers and flowed up and down through the tree. Castiel watched as his grace lit up the life within the leaves and branches, creating a soft white glow. When all the leaves were lit up, he looked down. The trail of life filtered through the ground and out; through every blade of grass, every flower and every mushroom. The light panned out all around him, illuminating everything in it’s path. He may not have loved God, but he loved all that he created. 

Perhaps that was what made him angel. Not the wings, not the power, not heaven. This. Loving all of God's creation. God had asked of the angels to do so; love humanity more than him. They lost track of their true mission with the Archangels’ fury and the fighting between Michael and Lucifer. Then Castiel had been placed in charge of watching humanity. He couldn’t remember why, or even when. An aching feeling made him wonder if that was because of Naomi.

He loved his new garrison. Thousands upon thousands of angels, all tasked with watching and protecting. Some were allowed more hands on contact while he was only allowed to observe. That was until the war. 

His eyes followed the trunk up into the canopy, admiring every leaf, every branch, every piece of the life within. It was amazing how he hadn’t noticed the lack of detail while in the dream world. How could he have missed all this? A feeling flew through Castiel’s vessel as he smiled, taking in the true beauty around him. 

Taking one last look, he released his hand from the trunk and headed towards the bunker entrance. Things had changed so much; he had changed so much. Perhaps things couldn’t go back to how they had once been, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t seek out the happiness he so desperately craved. 

 

*****

“Cas? Is that you?”

Dean's voice echoed through the room as Castiel made his way down the stairs. Once he reached the bottom, Dean poked around from the hallway. 

“Hello, Dean.”

“Where the hell have you been?” The harsh tone had Castiel looking right into Dean’s eyes. He was still mad. The last thing Castiel wanted at the moment was to fight. 

Not slowing down, he walked past Dean and headed towards his bedroom. “I went to visit Claire.”

Dean followed behind him. “Are you serious!”

Castiel sighed and stopped in the middle of the hallway, turning to face Dean. “Yes.”

“I’ve been sitting here worried sick about Sam and you decide to go off and find Claire?! How many times do we have to tell you, she doesn't want you around!”

Anger swelled within him. “I have to help her, Dean!”

“She doesn’t want your help! What is so hard to understand about that? Jody is helping her. Alex is helping her.” Dean pointed his fingers at each of them as he yelled. “What you need to do is help me help Sam!” 

Castiel clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. He understood that Dean was going through a hard time with Sam, but he didn’t feel it justified this. “There are more problems than just yours, Dean.”

Dean straightened his back and craned his neck. “Excuse me?”

Castiel ignored him and headed back towards the door. After a great night with Claire and a peaceful moment out in the woods, he couldn’t deal with Dean, not now.

“Hey!” Dean called out, grabbing Castiel’s arm and spinning him around. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been all mopey and childish lately.”

“Dean…” Castiel grit out through his teeth.

“No, look. I don’t know what your problem is, but taking it out on me and Sam isn’t fair!”

Castiel swung his arm, forcing Dean to let go of his arm. “But taking your problems out on me is?!”

“What are you talking about?” Dean took a step back.

Turning his head away, Castiel stared at the floor. “What is my purpose to you, exactly?”

Dean was silent for a moment before shuffling his feet. “Your purpose? Cas, you’re family! There is no purpose! Family is there for each other and not running off and leaving the others!”

“I'm not your family, Dean!”

“What?”

Castiel closed his eyes and shook his head. “Admit that to me. I'm just useful in a fight. Or at least I used to be.”

“That’s not true. We need you, Cas.”

“No, you don't.” Neither man moved as Castiel gathered his thoughts. “Ever since I lost my wings and my healing abilities, I’ve been nothing but trouble. I bet you even enjoy the fact that I'm not as powerful anymore.”

“I don't enjoy…” Dean stumbled over his words and sighed. “Look, I'm not going to pretend that I don't like how you're not flying off whenever you want or fixing every problem without a thought.”

“Flying was a part of who I was, Dean!” Castiel looked Dean in eyes this time. He was about to lay everything out on the line. Speak his mind and not hold anything back. It was terrifying. There was so much he felt, so much he needed Dean to understand.

“Do you have any idea how much my wings hurt? That every moment of every day I can feel their charred remains, every burnt feather and broken ligament. Even now.” He sighed and looked down. “I LOVED my wings! And now, now I can't even look at them without…” Swallowing hard, he managed to look back up at Dean.

“Can you imagine breaking both your legs? Not only unable to walk ever again, but you can feel every break, tear and burn of them. No matter what you do or how much you try and ignore it, you can never forget what happened to you.”

“Cas…”

“No, Dean! I'm in pain, every single day. Because of my wings, because of my failure to be an angel or a human, and now because of my grace. The essence of who I am burns day in and day out. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I…..…” Shifting his weight, he looked away again. This was going further than he planned on. 

“I never wanted this, Dean! I never wanted any of this. I was an Angel with wings and grace and thousands of times stronger than you could ever imagine! The whole purpose of my existence was to be a soldier. I was so good that I commanded an entire faction of Angels. TWICE!” 

He couldn't help the anger building up within him. “With a thought I could be halfway across the world, back in time, ANYWHERE! Now… Now I can't so much as throw a punch without falling over! I'm useless!”

“No, Cas...”

“You told me that I was family, that I was your brother. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to watch you bend over backwards to help Sam? Doing anything and everything for him to help him get better, and yet I can't so much as get a hand to help me get out of a chair without you rolling your eyes and asking me when I'm going to be done healing! I’m sorry that Sam is hurt, Dean, but he’s not dead! He’s alive and well and will heal with yours and your mother's help. So don't stand here and pretend that you're upset I wasn’t there for you. You don't need me, Dean. You never have!” 

“Yeah, well I do.”

Both men turned see Mary standing in the entryway to the library. Her arms were crossed, a stern expression etched across her face. 

“Mom…”

“No. Enough, Dean. Go check on Sam.”

“He…”

“Go!” Giving a heavy sigh, Dean glanced at Castiel one last time before heading back down the hallway.

Castiel looked down at the ground and squeezed his hands into fists. He heard Mary step towards him and once her feet came into view, he looked up at her. 

“So..” She started.

Castiel cut her off. “I apologize.”

“Don’t. There’s no need.” She placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder. “Come on. I think it’s time we had a little chat.


	12. Chapter Eleven

“I apologize.”

“For what?”

“If I had followed your orders, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“Cas… That… That’s not…”

“I’ll do better next time.”

 

*****

“What happened in your dream? Did something happen that’s affecting you now?” Mary asked, folding her hands across the table.

Castiel stared at her hands and took a deep breath. It was hard to really describe what had happened while under the Djinn’s spell. He had been in there for so long and so much had happened, there was no way he had the time to go over it all.

“It’s hard to explain.’

“Try me.” Mary challenged. 

He shifted in his seat and stared down at his hands. “The world I was in was the same as ours. There was still a bunker, the brothers, you...”

“But?”

“But, things were different. I was given the chance to know what certain… emotions felt like.”

Mary paused a moment. “What kind of emotions?”

He took another deep breath. It was just as hard to talk about what happened as it was to remember it. On top of that, what would she think? To reveal something so, weak. That something so trivial had gotten under his skin. 

She must have sensed his struggle, reaching out and placing her hand over his. “It’s okay, Castiel. You can tell me.”

He sighed and decided to bite the bullet. Mary was asking him to open up to her, the least he could do was meet her halfway. “Love.”

“Love?”

“Yes. Knowing what it felt like to be loved.”

Mary nodded in thought before meeting his eyes. “Are you not loved here?”

He avoided meeting Mary’s gaze. Of course, he knew that Love meant many things. The love of a parent to a child was different than the love of a brother to a sister. Even more different was a love between two friends or the love he had for Claire. 

“I’m expendable.” 

“How so?”

He looked up and sighed, leaning back in his chair. “As an angel I have many abilities. Well, had many abilities. Anytime they needed to get from one place to another quickly or got hurt and needed help, they called for me.”

“I don’t think that makes you expendable.” Mary stated, also sitting back in her chair.

“Maybe not, but If I were to die it wouldn’t be as detrimental as say Sam or Dean were to.”

“But, the boys are you’re friends, right?”

He paused. “There was a time when Dean and I were, as you say, friends. After the apocalypse, after Lucifer, things changed.”

“How so?”

“I had this great plan, to save all of humanity. I was going to prove to Dean and myself that I was strong enough to take on an Archangel on my own. I made a deal with Crowley and betrayed the boys. Raphael was defeated and I did stop him from bringing on the Apocalypse, but at a cost to humanity. I released evil creatures called Leviathan onto the earth. It was never my intention, but it happened nonetheless. I believe a part of Dean has never forgiven me for that.”

Mary nodded slowly. Her expression wasn’t giving away anything that Castiel could use to pinpoint her emotions but he could sense a small amount of sadness emanating from her. “I don’t know, Castiel. It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and talk.” 

He raised his brows and looked away. “Perhaps, but there’s so much going on right now. With the Djinn attack, Sam and Claire, It might not help. He might not want to fix things.”

“How long has it been, since the Leviathan?”

“6 years.”

“And you’ve never spoken about it?”

Castiel shook his head. “No. Dean prefers not to.”

“Do you want to?”

He paused, honestly contemplating his answer. Of course he wanted to fix things with Dean, but there was still the chance that Dean did not. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

Mary leaned forward. “Of course it does. If you just talked to him, maybe it would help.” 

He shook his head. “He takes so much onto himself, even when it’s not necessary. With Sam the way he is, it would be too much. Sometimes….. When he gets like this…Ssometimes I can’t tell if he is trying to help, or to control.” Castiel sighed. “I just need things to be better.”

“You need them to, or you want them to?

Castiel finally looked up meeting Mary’s gaze. “What do you mean?”

Mary sighed and sat up straighter in her chair. “There's a difference between the things we want and the things we need. A want is something you desire, something you would like to have. A need is something you can't do without, something required to live. Sometimes we can be blinded by what we want over what we need. I wanted to run away from the boys and this new life I was given and I did, but it didn't help. Running away wasn't what I needed. What I needed was to learn to accept what I had and then make it work for me. Now I'm happy and have two grown boys that I take care of and who take care of me. So, what do you want?”

Castiel considered her words. There was so much he wanted, how could he narrow it down to one thing? “I want to be forgiven. By Claire, by heaven. I want Dean to forgive me. I want Sam to be healed...”

Mary waved a hand. “What about for you, Castiel. What do you want for you?”

He paused, taken slightly aback by the question. No one had ever asked him that before. “I don't know.”

Mary’s expression changed from expectant to empathetic instantly. “If Claire doesn't forgive you, or Dean, will you never be able to move on?”

“Well...”

“If heaven doesn't forgive you, will you never truly be able to live?”

“... No…”

“Sometimes, the hardest thing a person can do is forgive themselves.” Castiel looked down at his lap. “Claire may never be able to get past the things you've done, and Dean may never get past things you've done. But that's on them.” Castiel looked back up at her, eyes meeting. “I may not know you very well, Castiel, but what I can tell is, you're sorry. You love my boys, you love Claire. You give so much of yourself and I'm so sorry that we don't give that same care back to you. You are so very loved, Castiel, and I'm going to make sure that you know that, every day.”

He tilted his head with a small smile. He appreciated her words, they meant a lot to him, but surely it wasn’t all necessary. “You don't have to do that.”

Mary nodded. “Yes I do. You're family. You’ve proven to us time and time again that you're there for us. It's about time we do everything we can to be there for you too.” 

“Hey!” 

They both looked up as Dean stormed into the Library. He looked to be on edge. Mary was up and out of her chair instantly. “Dean…..”

“Something’s wrong. Jody called me but the call cut out before she could tell me what was wrong. I tried to call her back but I can’t make any calls. Are your cells working?”

Castiel dug his phone out of his pocket. He had no signal. That was unusual, the bunker always had service, no matter where you were in the building. “I’ve got nothing. Is something wrong with Claire?”

“I don’t know.”

Sam walked in, phone in one hand while the other sat on his stomach. “Dean, I lost cell service.” He looked up and saw everyone in their panicked states. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.” Mary stated, looking back at Castiel.

The power suddenly switched off sending the emergency red lights on. A loud clanging noise signalled that the bunker was in lockdown. Castiel flicked his wrist, sending his angel blade into his hand. 

“Sam, Mom. Stay here and grab all the weapons you can. Cas, with me.” Castiel followed Dean as they ran down the halls, no questions asked.

They reached the electric room, doorway still open after Dean had destroyed it all those months ago. They slowed to a stop, Dean signaling for silence. Quietly, they made their way in, looking every which way. Castiel tried to use what powers he had to sense any intruders. Something was blocking his abilities. He filed that away to worry about later. Once cleared, Dean lowered his gun and beelined for the breakers. Flipping it on, the room flooded with light. Both of their cells went off, chirping continuously. Castiel pulled his out as it continued to vibrate.

 

15 Missed Calls  
7 Unread Messages

 

Unlocking his phone, he immediately checked the text messages.

 

Castiel please call me back!  
10:42 pm

It’s about the symbols  
10:47 pm

Answer your phone!! Please!!!!  
11:28 pm

Jody and I are headed your way!  
11:36 pm 

We’re bringing back up  
11:40 pm

You better be okay  
11:47 pm

CALL ME PLEASE!!!  
11:55

 

Castiel turned to Dean, rereading the messages again. “Claire says there’s something wrong with the symbols I had found.”

“What?” Dean opened his phone and started calling someone. Immediately, Castiel called Claire. The phone rang once before a frantic Claire answered the other end. 

“Castiel! Oh my god! Are you okay?!”

Castiel’s heart beat faster at the sound of her voice. There was a panic behind her words that made him feel uneasy. “Claire, I’m okay. What’s going on?”

“The symbols! It’s the Djinn! They’ve created a trap!”

“A trap?” Castiel looked back at Dean who turned and looked at him with the mention of a trap. “Claire, how do you know that?”

“Jody knows these witches. They were visiting and… It’s not important! You’re in danger!”

 

BANG BANG BANG BANG

 

Both men spun around, looking back out towards the door. They gave eachother a look before Dean ran out of the room, gun raised in front of him. “SAM!” 

The uneasy feeling slowly grew stronger within him. “Claire, I got to go.”

“Cas wait!!”

Castiel hung up slipping his phone back into his pocket, racing after Dean heading back towards the gunshots. He had no idea what was going on but he couldn’t help the feeling that something bad was about to happen.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check Warnings

“Hey Cas! Dean found a case, wanna go?”

“I don’t have my powers, I won’t be of much help.”

“Cas, dude, powers or not, you can fight. Just stick by us, you’ll be fine. Promise.”

“I guess that’s fine then.”

“The old team, back together again.”

 

*****

Rounding the corner into the war room, Castiel felt an intense wave of pain shoot through his spine, spreading out through his limbs. It was the strongest wave he had experienced so far. Not now not now not now He played on repeat in his head. He dropped to his knees, succumbing to the pain and screaming out. 

Dean stopped and turned around. “Cas!” He started to run back to Castiel.

“Stop!”

Castiel, curled over his knees, looked up and saw a man walk through the main entrance door, hand outstretched in front of him clutched in a tight fist. 

“Who the hell are you?” Dean growled.

The man held his gaze with Dean, daring him to disobey. “Take one step closer and I’ll kill him.”

Dean huffed in disbelief. “How?” 

The man smirked and twisted his wrist. Immediately a wave of pain and burning flared up stronger within Castiel. He clenched his eyes shut and screamed out in pain from surprise and agony. 

“Okay okay! Just stop!” Deans pleading shouts barely managed to make its way past the ringing in Castiel’s ears. 

Slowly the burning started to fade. Opening his eyes, Castiel watched as the man made his way down the steps, Dean watching his every move. The guy seemed to be be about the same age as the brothers, lines and wrinkles in similar places. He reminded him a bit of an angel. One that had run Castiels old garrison; Isham. If he could only see Castiel now, at the mercy of this intruder.

Another man, one Castiel hadn’t noticed before, walked out of the library and to the man currently controlling Castiel’s every move. They both stopped right in front of Dean. “We got em tied up over there.”

Castiel looked towards the library and saw Mary and Sam tied up to the many posts in the room. Sam on one side of the room, Mary on the other. They were looking back at him, concern and anger radiating off of them. 

The man in charge looked down at Dean and smiled. “Grab this one, tie him up with the others.” He looked over at Castiel, determination in his eyes. “Leave him with me.” The other man grabbed Dean and attempted to push him into the library. Dean fought back, swinging a punch but missing. 

A wave of pain not as intense as before surged through Castiel again. He doubled forward, wrapping his arms around his stomach as his head touched the floor. He couldn't help the whimpers that escaped. 

“Remember Dean, I'm in control of your angel. Don't cooperate and I'll kill him here and now.”

Dean stopped struggling and allowed himself to be pushed into the library. “Sam, Mom! You guys okay?” 

“We’re fine, for now.” Mary responded.

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.”

Castiel could hear the man in charge slowly make his way towards him. “It’s nice to see you again, Castiel.”

He slowly sat back up, squinting his eyes. Castiel had lived for millennia and had met many many people. This was someone he knew he had never met. “Who are you?”

The man made a dramatic pout, hand touching his heart. “Don’t hurt my feelings Cassie. Don’t you remember me? Of course, I looked different in your dream. Allow me to properly introduce myself, the name’s Devin.” 

Castiel watched him, taking in his every movement as he kicked a chair closer to him and put one foot up. He stared down at him and smirked. Of course. This was the djinn from his dream. The one that always showed up as Claire. 

“Go screw yourself, Devin.” Mary’s small angry voice could be heard from the library where her and Sam were tied up with Dean. “Why are you doing this?”

“Sam, Dean. Isn’t it obvious? You Winchesters have proven time and time again that you’re a danger to, well, everyone. We decided it was time someone took care of the problem.” He looked back at Castiel, leaning on his propped up knee. Castiel hated how smug Devin was. “We used him to bring us to you. Been watching you ever since you picked him up in Wisconsin. How have you been enjoying our little bond?”

“What are you talking about?” Castiel grit out. He slowly started to uncurl his arms from his waist, placing his hands on his knees. A quick grace and energy check told him there was no way he was standing. Not yet. 

“Our bond! I gave you a little bit, or well, a lot of my blood. It intertwined with your grace. Being that you were under my control for so long, I developed the delicious ability to control my power while it bonded with your grace. Very handy, don’t you think?”

Burning flared up quickly and painfully. Castiel doubled over again, coughing as if that would relieve him of the torture. 

“What are you doing to him!” Sam called out 

“Oh, you’re attack dog? I’m simply teaching him some obedience. Castiel, stand.”

Pressure and fire exploded within him. He wrapped his arms around himself, shaking as he felt his grace wither and push and pull desperate to escape their fiery prison. The heat was too much, red exploding behind his eyes as he screamed out in pain. 

“Stand!!”

He scrambled to put his hands on the ground, arms and legs shaking. His left arm slipped in his rush, shoulder hitting the ground sending a dull throb into the fire. He tried to push past the pain and haul himself up onto his feet. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, shuddering whimpers no longer being held back. This man had complete and utter control over him and there was nothing he could do. He was powerless, swaying in his spot as tears unwillingly slipping down his cheeks as his body tried to reject the torture. 

“Castiel, kneel.”

The pain flared all over again, Castiel immediately dropping to his knees. Please stop repeating in his mind over and over. He couldn't tell if he was crying or yelling, all he knew was he was probably dying and it hurt more than anything he could remember.

“Leave him alone!”

“Stop it!!!”

As soon as the pain slipped away he felt himself falling, crying out in relief. He felt as if he couldn't breath, lungs desperate to fill with air he never needed before. Slowly he opened his eyes. Sam stared back at him, terror in his eyes evident even from their distance. He closed them again, praying he would get a break and catch his breath. 

“See. With him out of the way, I could deal with you two.” Devin made his way up the library steps, stopping just in front of Mary. “And then, to add the cherry on top, I also get to deal with your mother.”

Castiel opened his eyes at that. He had to get up, he just had to. 

“You leave her alone!” Dean grit out.

“So many choices! Leave her alone, leave him alone. I think you’re missing the arrangement here, Dean.” He turned and headed towards Dean. “You’re not calling the shots, I am.” Devin took a step closer to Dean, only a foot between them. Reaching up, he gripped Dean’s chin, squeezing it hard. “So zip. Your lip. Before somebody dies.”

Castiel slowly pushed himself back up onto his knees. His whole body was still shaking as if it was anticipating the next wave of torture. There was no way he was going to let the Winchesters be killed while he laid there and watched. 

“Leave them alone.”

Devin closed his eyes and sighed. “Oh, not you too.”

“They’re good peop...” Castiel’s words were cut off as pain engulfed his throat. He gasped, one hand reaching up to his neck. 

Devin turned around letting go of Dean and squeezed his hand. Castiel cried out in pain once again, breaths heavy as he tried to fight back against the internal fight. “Sit. Stay.”

Dean pulled his arms trying to break free from his restraints. Devin turned back towards Dean and stared him in the eye, daring him to say something as Castiel continued to yell out in pain. Dean’s snarls pulled a smirk from Devin. 

One of the other Djinn walked up beside him, leaning forward in a lame attempt to whisper. “Sir, what is the purpose of keeping him alive? We only needed him to get to them.”

Dean, having heard the remark, pulled at his restraints again. Devin didn’t break their eye contact. “You have a point.” This time Sam pulled at his own restraints but Devin never broke eye contact with Dean. “Although, I do love having my own little slave.” A growl from both the Winchesters caused him to chuckle. Giving a wink to Dean, he turned and walked back towards Castiel. 

“What are you good at?” 

Castiel didn’t look up or respond. He could feel every twitch and pull as Devin moved around, as if the Djinn blood inside him was calling out to him. Desperate to break free from within Castiel anger making it slash and rip his grace. He was having a hard enough time catching a breath let alone entertain his attacker. 

“Speak!!”

The blood grew hotter, angrier. Gripping his grace and ripping it in two. He screamed out as the tightness in his throat disappeared, falling onto his side. It wasn’t until he felt a foot on his shoulder that he realized Devin was next to him. He opened his eyes, body trembling in pain and grit his teeth.

Devin kicked out, pushing Castiel onto his back. “Well, no wonder they don't like you much. Very disobedient.” 

“Sir?”

He kept his eyes on Castiel, like he was studying him. It made him feel uneasy. What ever he was planning wasn’t going to end well. Through the pain, he managed to find his voice. “I'll never… Serve you.” 

Devin sighed and rolled his eyes. Looking up to the ceiling he paused. “You know, I was imagining some great things you could have done for me.” He looked back at Castiel and shook his head. “Good bye.”

“NO!” 

Someone’s voice managed to break through the ringing that screamed through Castiel’s head. A pain unlike anything he had ever felt before encompassed his entire being. 

 

His true form. 

 

His grace. 

 

His vessel. 

 

Everything was on fire.

 

He had imagined, over the years, how he would eventually go. A ghost hunt, a vampire, an angel. He even imagined becoming human again and dying of old age. Of the hundreds of scenarios he had played out in his head, this was never one of them. Being controlled by a Djinn from the inside, forcing his essence into self destruction. If there was a worse way to go, he would never know. Eventually he felt his grace grow. His eyes and mouth opened as it tried to force it’s way out. 

 

 

This was it.

 

 

 

This was his death.

 

 

 

He couldn’t help his last thought from being

 

 

 

finally


	14. Chapter Thirteen

“What do you think summoned you to that warehouse?”

“I don’t know…. I thought I heard Claire, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Huh, mind games, on an angel? That’s odd.”

“Yeah Cas, maybe you should ask the angels? Take a trip to heaven?”

“No. They want nothing to do with me.”

“But, you’re family right?”

 

*****

Claire gripped her phone tight, eyes darting back towards the time on the radio every few seconds. Castiel had hung up on her and hadn’t responded since. Her body was practically shaking with fear. They had just made up. They had finally started to get along and now this. 

No, she wasn’t going to think like that. Castiel was going to be just fine. She was going to bust through those doors and kill every Djinn in sight. He was going to be fine. He was going to be just fine.

“How close are we?” She asked, opening up maps on her phone. She still didn’t have any service so it said they were still in North Dakota. 

Claire noticed as Jody gripped the steering wheel tighter. “The last sign said 20 miles to Lebanon. That as a few miles back. Maybe ten, fifteen minutes.”

That was too long. Anything could happen in that amount of time. “Go faster.” Claire took a deep breath as she felt the car speed up. Jody may not have been openly showing it, but she was on edge as well. 

“Remember, you have to be careful. Djinn are nasty creatures, as you should know.” 

Claire twisted in her seat to look back at the twins Max and Alishia. “Will their sigils stop us from being able to get in?”

Alishia looked at her brother. “I don’t think so. From what you showed us, it’s just a beacon.”

“Yeah, you’ll want to break the connection as soon as we get there. It won’t stop the Djinn, but it will stop them from being able to call for more.” Alex stated.

“Since when do Djinn use these things!” Claire huffed, sitting back in her seat.

“One of them must have learned witchcraft. We’ve only seen something like this once before, but never to this extent. These Djinn definitely know what they're doing.”

“Let’s go over the plan again.” Jody commanded, irritation in her voice. The closer they were getting, the more on edge they were feeling.

“You and I are going in first while Alishia and Max go and find all the sigils.”

Jody sighed in frustration. “No, Claire! It's too dangerous and we don't know what we’re getting into! Max and I are going in, you're hanging back with Alishia.”

“Jody!”

“No! It's too risky. I'm not going to endanger you more than I have to.” Claire huffed in defiance but Jody continued on. “End of discussion!”

With one last huff, Claire sat back in her seat. 

*****

A high pitched ringing blared through the room as Castiel’s body exploded with light. Mary turned away yelling out from the pain in her ears, unable to cover them with her arms tied behind her. Light pushed in through her eyelids as she clenched them tight, unsure of what was happening. Castiel was an angel. Was he dying? Was he healing? She didn't know.

His screams still echoed in her ears as she slowly opened her eyes to test the light. Once it was safe, she immediately turned back towards Castiel. He laid sprawled out on his back, thick black burns extending out from underneath him. They looked like wings, but not full and healthy wings like a bird. They looked broken and thin as if all the feathers had been ripped out. Had they always looked like that? She remembered his argument with Dean, just moments before, saying how his wings hurt him. Now he was gone. 

“Castiel.” She called out weakly, hands shaking as she hoped she would get a response. His body lay motionless and quiet, proof he was actually gone. She turned her head away, closing her eyes to fight back the tears.

“You son of a bitch!” Dean yelled, thrashing against his ropes. A set of hands grabbed his shoulder, gripping tight in a warning. 

“Calm down,” the Djinn that tied him up growled, “you’ll all be dead soon anyways. At least your pet didn’t have to watch you die.”

Mary watched as Dean jerked his shoulder away, growling. “He wasn’t our pet!” 

The Djinn smirked and took a few steps away from Dean. Mary may not have known her adult sons for long, but there was no denying just how upset he was. Looking over at Sam, she saw the same expression. He was staring down at Castiel, slowly sinking down to the floor. Her boys lost their friend, their family. If she was hurting as bad as she was, they had to be hurting in ways she couldn't imagine. 

“Sentiments spoken a little too late, don’t you think?” Devin turned away from Castiel’s lifeless body, walking back into the library. Mary tugged on her restraints as he made his way back over to her eldest son, stopping in front of Sam. 

“You're injured.” Sam looked up at him, anger and sadness filling his eyes. “I could kill you next? End your suffering?”

“You touch him and I swear to God!” Dean growled, actively pulling on his restraints. 

Deavin smirked over at Dean. “What?” He stalked over to Dean, getting in as close as possible again. “You're going to break from those restraints and kill all of us single handedly?” He chuckled. “Time to submit, Dean. You've lost, I've won. Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be.”

*****

Jody flipped the lights off on the car, rolling it to a stop down the road. Claire couldn't make out in the darkness how close they were. 

“Okay, get ready. The bunker is just ahead.” Jody reached over and opened the glove box. Claire sat up in her seat, seeing the gun stashed inside. She took it and leaned forward, fitting to the back of her waistband. 

Everyone piled out of the car, opening up the trunk and grabbing their last weapons. 

“We don't know how many Djinn are here or if there's any other creatures,” Jody stated, grabbing the knives, “so we have to be careful.”

Max reached into his pocket and pulled out a pendant, handing it to Alishia. “Take this, it will help in finding the sigils in the dark without bringing attention to you.” She nodded to her brother and slipped it around her neck. 

Jody grabbed another knife from the trunk and handed it to Claire. “What is this for? I have a gun.”

“Djinn, as far as I know, can only be killed by a silver knife dipped in lambs blood.” Max stated, taking a knife from Jody as well. “If you run across one, drive it right in.” Claire nodded, new nerves starting to set in. 

“Okay, let's go.”

*****

Dean pulled his head away from Devin, making eye contact with Mary. There was nothing she could do. She was stuck as much as they were. This was how the Winchester family died, tied to pillars without a fight.

Pushing one of the tables out of his way Devin opened his arms and smiled. “So! Winchesters. Who want’s to die first?”

 

BANG BANG

 

Everyone looked to the main entrance door.The Djinn by Dean stalked over to Devin. “What was that?” 

Devin closed his eyes and sighed, annoyed by the turn of events. “Go!” All but Devin and one other Djinn took off towards the main entrance. 

He made his way to Sam, grabbing him by the neck furious, pulling him back up to his feet. “Expecting company, Winchester?!”

*****

Claire huffed as she followed as fast as she could behind Alishia. Jody and Alex had already made their way through the front doors and they were currently running up the hill on the right side of the Bunker. 

When they reached halfway, Alishia stopped and flipped on the flashlight. Claire followed suit, pointing towards the building. They scoured along the side of the building, pulling snow away where it had mounded along the walls. 

“How many did Castiel say he found?” Alishia asked, stepping out of a large mound of melting snow. 

“He only has pictures of 3. I think there’s one on each side except the front entrance.” Claire pushed the last bit of snow away, angling her flashlight along the wall. Alishia did the same, stepping away to follow along the side. 

“I'm not seeing one here, Claire.” 

Claire continued to move the light along the building. There was nothing there. It didn't make sense, there had to be one there. Fear crept along her spine and she shook it off. Castiel needed her help, she couldn't give up. 

“Let's keep going. Maybe there's two on the back side.” 

*****

The sound of fighting echoed through the entrance door. Mary looked over towards Dean silently asking if he knew what was happening. He gave her a wink before turning back towards Devin.

“What, are you scared?” Devin let go of Sam and looked at Dean. “Afraid the big bad Winchesters are gonna break free? Kill you like all the others?” Mary frowned in fear. What was he doing? Taunting him right now was only going to get him killed. He stood there a few seconds before turning and walking towards her. His shoulders were set, angry smirk splayed across his face. She braced herself for whatever was coming. 

She leaned back and turned her head away as he leaned in close. He slowly lifted his hand now glowing blue. “I know exactly what to do with you.” Mary flinched and tried to get as far away as possible in her restraints. “And I'm gonna love every second of it.”

The sound of a man yelling followed by a loud crash had him pushing away from her. She turned to look at what was happening. Jody came into view in the war room, grabbing the fallen Djinn on the table and plunging a knife into his chest. He screamed out before going limp. 

“Jody!” Sam called out. She looked up at them and smirked, ripping the knife out of the now dead Djinn. 

Devin pushed Mary away and stalked towards Jody. Another Djinn was thrown through the doorway, Max emerging after. He pulled a knife from the body and ran down the stairs. 

Jody immediately pulled out another knife and tossed it towards Sam. Mary watched as it slid to a stop near him. He angled his body to try and use his legs to kick it near his hands. Repositioning her knife, Jody took a stance and prepared for Devin's attack. Max reached the bottom of the stairs just as Devin reached her. 

He grabbed her swinging arm and threw her across the room towards the library. Max attempted to stab him from behind but Devin spun, blocking his attack. 

Jody stood and ran towards Dean as Sam attempted to cut his own ties loose. 

“How did you know to come?” Dean asked, pulling his wrists tight for her to cut the ropes.

“Max recognized the symbols and warned us. Claire and Alisha are still outside. They're looking for all the sigils to destroy them.”

“Why destroy the sigils?” Finally cutting Dean loose, she handed Dean her own knife as she moved to Sam who was still struggling. He immediately ran to Mary and cut her loose. 

“Because,” she strained as she managed to dig the knife in. A yell from Max had them all looking back towards him. He was fine so far but eventually they needed to get to him, “we need to break Castiel’s connection.”

Mary saw Dean falter before shaking his head at the sound of Max yelling again. “Guys! I could use some help over here!” Flipping the knife in his hand, Dean turned and ran over to help Max. 

*****

“Did you find one?” Claire called out as she continued to search along the back end of the bunker.

“Hey!”

Claire turned as a man shouted just a few feet from her. He started towards her, hand glowing blue. Fumbling with her flashlight, she tried to grab the gun from her waistband. She dropped the flashlight and reached behind herself with both arms, hands shaking as he advanced on her. Finally feeling the handle of the gun she pulled, stumbling on a tree root. Just as she swung her hand forward with the gun, the Djinn smacked it away. One moment he was reaching out for her throat, the next his eyes were blowing wide, still with shock. He dropped to his knees revealing Alishia. 

Claire let out a shaky breath. “Thanks.”

Nodding, Alishia pulled out the knife and wiped it on her knee. “There's no sigils, Claire. I think something's wrong. We should go inside with the others.” 

Looking back down at the now dead Djinn, Claire nodded and followed Alishia down. If the sigils wee controlling Castiel, then where did they go?

*****

Dean ran forward, thrusting his knife hard at Devin. He maneuvered over the table, avoiding Dean’s attack. Max stumbled back as Dean rounded on him. There was now five against one. Devin was not leaving alive.   
Mary ran around the table, Jody going the opposite way. He was surrounded, trapped with three Winchesters. She watched as Devin looked around frantically desperate to find an escape as they slowly edged closer to him. After a moment, he stopped, looking down and smirking. 

“Winchesters.”

Mary took the opening and went around, grabbing his arms to keep him steady in front of her. Jody came around his other side, doing the same. He gave no sense of fight, clearly having given up. 

Sam slowly stood from his place, grabbing his own knife and taking his place beside Dean. His slow and calculated movements proof enough to Mary that his wounds were most likely reopened. 

“You okay?” Dean asked.

Sam nodded, anger and determination prominent in his features. “Let's end this.” The brothers made their way to Devin, knives in hand. 

“There's more of us out there. This isn't over.” Devin growled. 

Sam’s eyes burned with anger as they stopped inches from him. Mary gripped Devin's arm tighter. 

“Oh, this is over.” 

Both brothers jammed their knives forward. Devin yelled out, a blue sort of light flickering beneath his skin. It was done. Devin was killed along with all the other Djinn. Mary and Jody released his arms, allowing the body to collapse unceremoniously to the ground. She looked up at Sam, his eyes now cast over to Castiel’s body. He turned towards Castiel and walked over, dropping to a knee at his side. A small gasp from Jody had her turning her head. She had a hand over her mouth as she shook her head. 

Dean’s sigh had her looking back towards him. He too took a knee at Castiel’s other side, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I'm so sorry, man.” 

Sam reached across and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean mimicked him, both brothers bowing their heads as they held each other up, grieving over their friend.   
Mary and Jody stood behind them, guarding them from any who dared interrupt them. Her boys lost their angel, their friend. She lost a friend. A great friend. All for the sake of their own lives. His death wouldn't be in vain, she would make sure of that.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

“How you liking your new room?”

“I’ve never had my own space before.”

“No? Well, I’m glad you finally got one.”

“Thank you, Dean. It means alot.”

“Welcome home, Cas.”

*****

 

“Guys?” Claire called, making her way down the main corridor with Alishia. 

The sound of someone running up the steps had them stopping. How many Djinn were there? Was everyone okay? Claire relaxed when Jody came around the corner. 

“Jody, thank god! Is everyone okay?” Jody walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“Where's Max?” Alishia asked.

“He's downstairs. He's okay.” Alishia took off into the bunker. Jody’s hand gripped Claire's shoulder tighter.

“What's going on? You're scaring me?” 

Jody wrapped her arms around Claire and hugged her tight. “I'm sorry Claire.”

A realization hit her like a ton of bricks. “No.” She shook her head, taking a step back. He couldn't be gone. That wasn't acceptable. They had finally made peace less than 12 hours ago. She took off, running through the main door. 

“Claire!”

Her heart pounded in her chest as she ran into the first room and down the steps. When she reached the bottom, she turned and saw him, holding back a sob. Both brothers were kneeled at his side but there was no mistaking it was him. 

He was on his back, black scorch marks fanning out from underneath him. The closer she got, the more she realized they were in the shape of wings. The brothers looked at her and slowly stood, giving her some room. She slowly dropped to her knees, hands shaking as she reached for him. 

He was gone. He was really truly gone. 

A sob broke free as she leaned forward and scooped him into her arms. How could this have happened? If she had been faster, smarter, maybe… Maybe she could have saved him. If she had gone inside instead of Jody, or killed the Djinn faster, maybe….

She gripped him tight, burying her head between his body and hers. Tears soaking his white shirt as sobs continued to rip from her chest. It felt as if she was losing her father all over again only there was a body to grieve over this time. 

The sound of footsteps echoed around her, the others joining her in grieving the loss of their friend. Their family. She didn’t move, gripping him even tighter to her. 

“Claire.” 

She could hear Jody next to her, a hand being placed on her back. “Please, Castiel. Come back. Come back to me, please. I need you.” Claire sunk her head back between Castiel and herself. She let go of everything, body trembling as she continued to hold him tight.

 

*****

 

“I always loved it here. Not only is it beautiful, but to see the history right before your eyes, amazing.”

Castiel slowly opened his eyes, the rays from the sun beating down against him. He was on his back, the tops of trees in his view, small patches of clouds just beyond their tops. The smell of pine needles and dirt permeated his senses, bringing an odd sense of comfort. He had no idea where he was, but he liked it.

“There’s no towns here quite yet, the sea level is still too high..” He turned his head to the left revealing Chuck standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down. He turned to him and smiled. “Come look.”

Slowly Castiel stood, making his way towards the cliff edge. 

“Just down there,” Chuck pointed to an area just beyond one of the mounds, “a small lake will form.”The world around them started to change. Castiel stumbled back, curiosity peeking his interest at the lack of feeling beneath his feet. He watched as the ice age began to take place.The ice finally pushing it’s way back, carving out a small lake. “The natives will believe evil spirits live within it’s depths due to the howling winds. Then, Europeans will come in and call it Devils Lake.”

They stood and watched as the world continued to change around them. Seasons changing in mere seconds. Blink and one of them would be gone. Castiel took a chance and looked back at Chuck. He didn’t look the same as he did during their fight with Amara. His hair was a little darker, beard a little older. Laugh lines scattered along the edges of his eyes showing a side of him Castiel hadn’t seen during the fight. But there was something else. Before, Chuck was tense, guarded, holding secrets he would never speak. Brows always furrowed, prepared to scold anyone and everyone. Now, he seemed… Soft. 

“One of my favorite legends comes from this lake. It’s the story of the Thunderbird. Great story actually, you see…”

“Where am I?” Castiel finally asked, cutting Chuck off. He wasn’t wrong, it was a beautiful sight, but he needed to know where he was and why God, no Chuck, wanted to speak with him. 

Chuck closed his eyes and sighed. He looked down, chin touching his chest. Castiel wondered if he was going to be scolded. He eventually looked up and met Castiel’s eyes. “You know, I remember the day I made you. I wanted more angels to protect the growing number of humans. The Archangels humored me, well more like praised me but, you get the picture.” He nodded. Chuck took the few steps between them and stopped just a foot away. Castiel swallowed thick, not sure what to do or how to react.

“You see, I knew the Archangels were getting… Well… Jealous. I spent far more time down here than I did with them. Why should I have cared? They were soldiers. I had given them a job and I expected them to do that job without whining!” Chuck stopped and took a breath. Castiel was getting more and more unsure of where their conversation was heading.

“One day, I decided to change things up, just once.” He looked back up into Castiel’s eyes and smiled. “I made you.” Castiel looked down and away. The world had stopped moving around them, settling on a fall afternoon. The sun was setting, casting purples and oranges through the clouds and horizon, perfectly outlining the hills ahead. Birds flew below the cliff, and yet high above the land below. Castiel had seen many stunning places in his lifetime, but he had never seen anything more beautiful than he was seeing in that moment. 

Chuck turned away and walked back towards the tree line, away from the cliff’s edge. He stopped at a fallen tree, sitting on it’s trunk one leg propped up against a rock. “I told myself I wasn’t going to have favorites, but I couldn’t help it when it came to you.”

Castiel felt a wave of anger boil within him. He turned towards the opening and gazed back down over the water. How could he say that? He told Lucifer that he was his favorite, but now it was him? “Don’t patronize me.”

“Excuse me?”

He clenched his fists and closed his eyes. “Do you so easily forget? I was there. Watching as you spoke with Lucifer. He asked me to be by his side and I had obliged. You lied to him then as you’re lying to me now.”

“I wouldn’t say I lied, necessarily.”

He turned and faced Chuck, anger boiling to the surface. “I heard you!”

Chuck frowned and stood, storming towards him. “What do you want from me?! I’ve saved you more times than I can remember! What else do you want?!”

“Your advice!!” Chuck clenched his teeth as Castiel stood his ground. “You have saved me, many many times. The least you could have done was tell me why!”

Chuck shook his head and turned, his side facing Castiel. “Everyone asks why. What makes you any different?”

Castiel looked down and closed his eyes. He knew, or at least suspected, that God had saved many people's lives since the dawn of time. If he was honest with himself, nothing made him any different, but that wasn’t the point. “Knowing who saved me. That’s what makes me different.” He marched away towards the path just beyond the tree Chuck had been sitting on. “I looked for you. You knew that. I did everything I could to save humanity, just like you asked, and yet I got nothing.”

Chuck turned his back to Castiel. “Stop whining.”

“You heard me, didn’t you. That day in the garden.”

“Of course I did.”

Castiel arched his neck, looking up to the sky in defeat. He spent years wondering what a conversation with God would be like. Thousands of scenarios had played out in his head, this had never been one of them. 

“People died, because of me. I destroyed heaven! The least you could have done was stop me!”

“I didn’t want to!” 

Castiel blinked, lost for words. What did that mean?

“If you hadn’t stopped Raphael, the planet would have been desecrated. I needed you to take on the Leviathan to do that. That’s why Death didn’t give the Winchesters reliable information.”

“What?” Heavy breaths raked through Castiel’s vessel. 

Chuck made his way back to the fallen tree, taking up the position he had held before. “I didn’t expect them to latch onto you. I should have, but I didn’t. I was caught just as much off guard as you were.”

Castiel followed suit, sitting next to Chuck. “Why did you bring me back?”

Chuck sighed. “I felt responsible. Your plan to take on the souls from Purgatory wasn’t foolproof, as you remember, but it was the best one out there.” Chuck looked over at him and smiled. “I was proud of you.” He looked up and met Chuck’s eyes. A small wave of light washed over him, taking his breath away. It felt like fire, but didn’t burn. 

“You’ve done more for humanity than anyone has ever done before. More than even me.” Chuck stood back up and took place in front of Castiel. Reaching out, he cupped his hands along the sides of his face, tilting his head up, eyes meeting. Another wave of light washed over him, threatening his consciousness. The feeling was overwhelming.

“Lucifer may have been my most cherished son, but you,” Chuck swallowed, “you are my most loved.”

A wave of light washed over him, his grace crying out. Not from pain, but from love. A love that Castiel never knew he could ever experience. A love he believed only belonged to those that were worthy. Yet here he was, God’s light within him, singing songs of purity and life, pushing him over the edge never to return. God let go of his face and wrapped his arms around him. Castiel stood, following suit. Gods light continued to wash over him, pushing the tears from his eyes and streaking down his face. He always wondered what unconditional love felt like. He had a feeling, this was it. 

They stood there, holding one another for what felt like forever. The sun eventually set in the distance, the purple and orange hues, disappearing, replaced by the moon and stars. Birds settled in their nests while the deer trotted along below. The world was alive around them, God and Angel, yet Castiel felt so small. Did they know what was happening? Did they understand they were in the presence of their creator?

“CASTIEL!!!!!”

God let go as Castiel jerked back. He turned his head every which way searching for the source of the voice.

“Please, come back!”

“Claire?”

“Your friends are worried about you.”

Memories of Djinn, blood and screams flashed through his mind. 

 

His death.

 

How could he have forgotten? 

“I died.”

“Again, yes. That’s why we’re here. You’re in a sort of limbo, the place between life and death.”

“Why bring me here?”

God chuckled. “Should we go back to the beginning, start all over? I don’t know if I could pull off the emotions a second time.”

Castiel squinted his eyes and tilted his head to the side. God laughed this time. “Oh, Castiel. I would give you the gift of understanding sarcasm, but what would be the fun in that?” He patted Castiel’s shoulders and made his way over to the cliff’s edge again. 

“I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. To be fair I wasn't there for any of my children…. this isn't helping me.” God shook his head. “I gave you more attention than many of my children, but I still left you in the dark. I recognize my mistake. You deserve better and I'm sorry.” God turned his head, eyes meeting Castiel’s. “You can choose for yourself, this time. I can bring you back if that’s what you want...”

Castiel walked over and stood next to him. “I feel a but coming on.”

God sighed and placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “You have a decision to make, Castiel.” 

Castiel looked down at God, nodded and sighed. There was one thing he knew for certain; resurrection was not fun. Everytime he died and came back, it always felt as if the life he was living was wrong. That his very existence was being rejected by the universe. But his family needed him.

“I think you’ve cheated death enough, don’t you think?” Castiel nodded. 

 

“So, life, or death?”


	16. Chapter Fifteen

“I’m sure the angels could help you, right? Got some spare grace or something?”

“No, angels are created with their own. Taking another is like being pumped with the wrong type of blood. It would poison me.”

“So, you’re not an angel anymore?”

“No, I’m still an angel. I just can’t use my wings. Plus, the angels don’t want me anywhere near heaven.”

“So, are you like, homeless?”

“In a sense, I suppose.”

“Well, screw them, Cas. You’ve got family here. The Winchesters, us. We’ll be your home.”

“Thank you, Claire. I appreciate that.”

 

*****

Claire stayed draped over his body, sobs echoing through the bunker halls. Jody was kneeled by her side, hand stroking Claire’s back in comfort. Sam and Mary were off to the side, Mary doing the same for Sam as Jody was for Claire. 

“Claire, I'm so sorry.”

Claire gripped her eyes shut tighter at the sound of a voice from a little ways away. Dean. The man that she told to watch over him. The man that was supposed to protect him. Anger grew within her. She looked up, Dean only a few feet in front of her.

“Why didn't you save him!” Dean flinched.

Jody gripped her neck. “Claire.” 

“No! Castiel did everything for him!” She continued to glare at Dean, his face blurring as tears filled her eyes. “All he ever did was save everyone! Me! You! Sam! And this is what happens?! You were supposed to protect him!” 

Dean closed his eyes and looked down. Claire shook as she watched him sink to the floor, back against the war table. “I'm sorry.” 

“Dean.” Sam went to his brother, kneeling beside him. He tried to hold his composure as he watched his brother slowly fall apart. Their friend, their brother, was gone. Taken right in front of their eyes. He let his own tears fall as he listened to Claire sob over Castiel’s body. 

Mary sat down next to Dean, placing a hand on his back. Trails of tears marked her cheeks, proof that she had already lost her composure. She hadn’t known Castiel long but she had slowly started to see him as one of her own. Wanting to protect him as if he were her son. Her chest tightened again as she watched her sons grieve. 

Sam at his side, his mom's hand on his back and the sound of Claire sobbing grew too much for Dean. His best friend was gone, their last moments being a stupid and pointless fight. A fight that could have been avoided if he had just taken the time to stop and pay attention. Cas needed him and he wasn't there. Too self absorbed to notice just how much pain his best friend had truly been in. Too self absorbed to do for Cas what he always did for him. It wasn't until he felt Mary stroking his back that he realized he was crying, his whole body shaking. He lifted his hands to his face, soft sobs echoing back at him. 

They all mourned, huddled into their own groups. Each one, individually, had their own relationship with Castiel. Some were stronger than others, but they all felt the same. Whether they were discovering it now, or had realized it long ago, they loved him. Castiel was so loved, but now he was gone.

“Dean.” A light started to filter through his fingers, causing him to pause. He opened his eyes and looked up. A blue light emerged from the main doorway, slowly flowing down the staircase. It reminded Dean of when he watched Bobby’s soul float up to heaven. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He breathed heavy, attempting to hold back his emotions, as they all watched the light travel down the staircase and over towards Claire and Castiel. 

“Claire.” Jody whispered, pulling away from Claire as the light grew closer. 

Claire looked up and gasped. A blue light highlighted the room as it slowly made it’s way around, weaving it’s way between Mary, Jody, Sam, and Dean. Claire’s eyes tracked it as it went, slowly lifting herself off of Castiel’s body. It made it’s way to them and stopped. Curious, she reached out to touch it. Her hand went through it, warmth the only indicator that her hand was near something. She felt peace, swearing it was whispering songs of peace and love. The light wasn’t to be feared in anyway. It expanded quickly causing Claire to quickly pull her hand out. Slowly, it started sinking down growing brighter as it disappeared into Castiel’s body. 

She slowly loosened her grip on him, his body falling away and his head now resting in her lap. Eventually Claire looked away, the light becoming too much. His body started to glow as it completely submerged in his chest, growing brighter and brighter and brighter.. When the light started to fade, she opened her eyes.

Castiel’s body was hovering upright in front of her, his head hanging forward. Blue light emanated from his body as a golden light surrounded all of him. As he rose higher, the light grew brighter once again. 

“Cas.” Dean stared in awe. He scrambled to get to his feet, Mary and Sam following suit. Claire slowly started to stand as well, Jody coming up behind her placing hands on her shoulders.

Claire gasped, looking down and watching as the burn marks from Castiel’s wings slowly lifted from the ground in small pieces. Black soot floated around the room making its way towards Castiel’s floating body. Everyone watched as the pieces weaved their way around him, dancing with each other as if piecing together an intricate heavenly puzzle. Dean’s mouth dropped as the image of wings grew behind Castiel’s floating form.

Light exploded from him, everyone turning away and covering their eyes. Items flew off the tables, walls, chairs being pushed across the room. Claire stumbled back, Jody catching her and helping her stay up right. Sam gripped Dean and Mary’s arms to try and keep everyone standing from the intense wave of energy. When the new light faded, they all turned back again. 

Castiel was standing in front of them, very much alive.

 

*****

 

Castiel opened his eyes. Claire, Jody, Dean, Mary and Sam all stood in front of him, eyes wide. 

 

He was alive.

 

Claire took a step forward first, slowly. He smiled and sighed with content. “Hello, Claire.”

She gasped. “Cas.” He nodded. 

In seconds she was in his arms gripping him tight. He followed suit and gripped her tight back. Claire was safe. He was safe. Everyone was safe. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to be this close to her. Sure he had in the djinn dream, but this wasn’t a dream. 

He could feel Claire shake as she cried. Pulling her closer, he whispered, “It’s okay. I'm okay.”. 

“Cas, is it you? Are you back?” Castiel looked up, Dean slowly edging closer to him, Sam and Mary inches behind.

“Yes, it’s really me. I am back.” Claire loosened her grip and stepped back. He looked down at her and smiled before turning towards Dean. He took the last few steps between them and gripped Castiel’s shoulder, pulling him roughly in for a hug. 

Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean as he gripped him tight. “I thought we had lost you for good. Your wings…” Dean didn’t finish his sentence, only gripping Castiel’s shirt tighter. 

Castiel held him tight, not needing him to finish. “I did too.” 

Dean let go of him and stepped back, one hand still on his arm. “What happened? How are you back?”

“God gave me one last life. I'm afraid this will be my last resurrection.”

Sam stepped up next, nudging Dean away so he could get his own hug. “Whatever, I'm just glad you’re back.” His hug from Sam was just as tight, fingers gripping his shirt as if to keep him from disappearing. 

“Did he heal you too? Is there still Djinn blood inside you?” Mary asked as she took her own hug after Sam. 

Castiel closed his eyes and sighed into Mary’s hug. An aura of love and comfort radiated off of her, giving him a warm sense of home, love and family. “I believe so. All I feel is my grace, new and improved.” Stepping out of Mary’s Hug, he smiled. He lifted his arms at his sides. “I feel great. Best I've felt in… A very long time.” 

Claire stepped up next to him and smiled. “I'm glad.” 

He wrapped an arm around her and smiled bigger. He was alive and for the first time in a long time, he wasn't waiting for the end. 

 

*****

The sound of the bunker door slamming closed echoed behind him as he made his way through the trees. The sun was just starting to rise, colors of every hue painting the clouds offering peace, hope and healing. The bunker had been quiet, everyone still asleep exhausted from the events the day before. He had left a note for Claire, letting her know he was just going for a walk and not to worry.

Birds chirped above his head, signaling the changing of the seasons. Snow was dripping from branches turning all the dirt below into many puddles of mud. His shoes made slurping noises, leaving tracks behind him as he weaved his way along the trees.

Castiel had died, again. God had apologized. His family prayed for him and saved him. 

 

 

His family.

 

 

There was a group of humans inside that building, and all of them loved him. All of them cried for him and held him. Loved him. They needed him just as much as he needed them. Never in a million years had he ever imagined others would feel for him as they do now. 

Stopping at a clearing a few miles from the bunker, he took a deep breath and sighed. For the first time in what felt like ages, he wasn’t in pain. He didn't feel as if he was a broken, useless being trapped in a world too complicated for him to understand. 

A few thoughts and a small ball of it was rolling all through his form. He raised his hands up and passed some through his fingers, light illuminating between them. 

 

His grace. 

 

His essence. 

 

Him. 

 

It was practically singing within him, no longer burning, no longer begging to be ripped out. Instead it begged to be let free. Closing his eyes and bowing his head, he let his wings free. They felt heavy against his back, a feeling he hadn’t felt in eons. They stretched out wide behind him, feathers ruffling, basking in the morning sun as it beat down against them. For the first time in ages, he was at full power. A few checks and he knew, with just a thought, he could be up in the clouds, flying. He felt alive. More alive than he had in decades. 

Looking down the opening, he picked a space and smiled. In an instant he was there, falling to the ground beneath him. It had been a while since he had flown anywhere. He needed to get used to landing again. Picking another spot some 50 yards away, he flew again. Falling into a tree, he still managed to stay on his feet. He took a few quick breaths, adrenaline and grace surging through him. He needed more.

Looking back up the hill, he tried to fly up it. Finally, he planted his feet, bent his knees and stuck the landing. Just as he was lifting his arms to celebrate his success, his feet slipped in mud, sending him toppling down the hill. 

He rolled all the way down. When he finally rolled to a stop, he sat up and looked up to where he had fallen from. It hadn't been very far, and it could have hurt if he hadn’t been at full power. Looking down at himself, he was coated in mud and dirt. 

For the first time in a long time, he laughed.

He could feel the mud in his hair, on his face and in his shoes. It was everywhere, and he had never been happier. He could fly again. He could heal, fight, fly, smite. No longer did he require anyone else's assistance. No longer did he have to sit in a car or truck to get from one place to another. He could help himself. 

He laughed hard and long, the sound echoing through the trees. Eventually, he stood up, wiping some of the mud off his pants and hands. He was fully and truly alive, a feeling he never imagined he’d ever experience again. 

“Castiel.”

In a heartbeat, he was spinning around, grace cleaning him entirely of mud. 

“Radueriel.” Castiel bowed his head in greeting. 

Radueriel was highly praised in heaven, being one of the first Seraphs created. No angel knows of their own creation, but Radueriel does. She was one of the few angels that placed judgement upon an angel when judgment must be passed. It had been a while since he had last spoken with any angels. “What are you doing here?”

Her eyes stayed locked on his, a characteristic of angels that hadn't spent much time on earth. “I came here to apologize, on behalf of heaven.”

Castiel squinted his eyes, tilting his head. “Why?” She swallowed and took a step towards him. He quickly made a weapons check, securing his angel blade in his sleeve. 

“We know about what happened. Your talk with God.” Five angels appeared behind Radueriel, stepping up behind her. Castiel took a step back, eyes moving back and forth keeping an eye on all of them. 

“It was wrong of us to have abandoned you in your time of need. To have left you to defend us all from the Darkness.” The angels behind her nodded, all looking down at their feet or right at him. “You have made mistakes, Castiel, but one part of you has always rung true. You love humanity, just as God asked of us. You love them more than any angel ever could, or will ever understand, as you have come to.” More angels started to appear, surrounding him completely. Castiel swallowed, pushing his blade away. There were 50, maybe more, all standing and staring at him.

“There’s been many of us that have always known your heart was always in the right place. We forgive you, Castiel. In time, I hope you will forgive us too. Your place in heaven has been restored. Come and go as you see fit.”

All the angels began clapping. Nydham placed a hand on his shoulder. “If you need anything, I will be here.”

Hythis nodded at his side. “I as well.”

Castiel nodded at them both. “Thank you, brothers.” More angels followed suit, patting him on the back or shaking his hand.

“Great job, Castiel.”

“I've always believed in you.”

“You deserve it.”

“You're an inspiration.”

“Welcome back, brother.”

Castiel just smiled, shaking all the hands he could and hugging those that wanted them. Heaven forgave him. They were allowing him access to heaven for the first time in years. 

He could go home. 

Angels continued to surround him, giving him praise and thanks. Some offering their own apologies. He just nodded and shook their hands. Every once in awhile he managed to get a ‘thank you’ or ‘you're welcome’ out. Eventually they all started to fly away, leaving Radueriel. 

“I must return. There's much work left to do in heaven. I've been tasked with spreading your story to others that haven't heard of your resurrection yet.” She placed her hands on his shoulder for the last time. “You're a hero, Castiel. It’s time you're treated as such.” 

He didn’t say a word as he watched Radueriel fly back to heaven. Being called a hero felt like too much. He was simply doing as all angels should. At any cost, he would do whatever it took to stay on good terms with heaven. Giving a small smile up towards heaven, he continued his walk around the woods. There was a few more wing exercises he wanted to get in before going back to the bunker.


	17. Chapter Sixteen

“You scared us, man! You can’t just run off like that!”

“I…. I’m sorry, Dean. I…. I don’t know what happened.”

“You were jumped by a Djinn. Come on, Sam’s burning the body.”

“I…. I thought Claire was here?”

“What? No, she’s back home. You scared her too.”

“I want to see her. Make sure she’s okay.”

“Okay, yea we can do that.”

 

*****

Sam looked up from his seat in the kitchen and smiled at Castiel as he entered. He had been out till dawn stretching his wings, flying all over the globe enjoying five separate sunrises and one sun set before finally deciding on heading back to the bunker. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the air immediately making Castiel feel at home. If Sam was making coffee then surely others were starting to wake as well.

“Morning Cas. Still feeling better?” Sam asked, closing his laptop.

Castiel sat across from him at the table, smile still etched across his face. “Very much so.”

Sam smiled back. “That’s good. I’m glad man. It’s great to see you so healthy and happy.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

Dean walked in a moment later stretching his arms and yawning. He made his way over towards the coffee pot, grabbing his mug and filling it. Castiel couldn’t have taken the smile off his face even if he wanted to.

“Good morning, Dean.”

Dean looked over at him. After a second his eyebrow raised looking between Sam and him. “What’s got you in such a good mood?” He huffed, clearly only half awake. 

Castiel looked at Sam before nodding at Dean. “My grace has been restored.” He took a contented breath reveling in the strength he felt within himself. 

Both of Dean's eyebrows raised before turning his attention fully on Castiel, forgetting his now filled coffee mug. “And that's a good thing?”

“Yes.” He nodded for punctuation.

Sam beamed next to him. “That’s great Cas! How'd that happen?”

“It’s a long story, but heaven has forgiven me.” He could tell them another time, right now all that mattered was they know he was a full fledged angel again.

Sam seemed to accept his answer smile still etched across his face. “I’m happy for you man.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

Dean huffed and turned back towards to the coffee machine. He grabbed his cup and took a swig before walking over towards the kitchen sink. Castiel got the feeling Dean was upset with him. 

“Is something wrong, Dean?” He asked cautiously. Dean could be highly unpredictable at times. He didn’t want to get in an unnecessary argument with him. 

Dean set his mug down and placed his hands next to it on the counter. Looking down he took a deep breath. Castiel prepared himself for anything that might be said. “I thought you were done with all this heaven and angels stuff?”

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. “I don’t…”

Dean continued to ignore Castiel. “ I mean, I thought…” 

Castiel watched him, unsure where Dean’s thoughts were heading. “You thought what?”

Dean looked away. “I thought you were one of us?”

Castiel blinked a few times and squinted in confusion. “A human?”

“Family.”

Castiel shook his head. He couldn't figure out what exactly was bothering Dean. Why was it such a bad thing for him to have had his full powers and wings restored? Wouldn't he be of more help now? “Dean, I'm an angel. Heaven is my home, my original home.”

Dean’s eye went wide, standing straight. “You destroyed your home! Or don't you remember the angels wanting you dead for the past, forever?!” There was venom in his words, his every intention to hurt him. 

“And I’ve been trying to atone for that!” Castiel fought back. 

Dean shook his head and scoffed. “Right. Avoiding them, saying yes to Lucifer. Great work so far Cas.” 

There was an elephant in the room and Castiel wasn’t going to let it stay one more moment. “All I have ever tried to do, was fix the damage I've done to my home! Cleaning up my own mess as you'd say. They've offered me a chance to do that and I'm taking it!” 

Dean clenched his jaw. “Yea, just run off and pretend like WE haven't been the ones standing by your side this entire time!”

“I'm not running off!”

“You're going back to heaven!”

“To visit! To help! It's not indefinite. Why do you assume I’m going to leave just because I’m healed?” Castiel stared Dean down as he shifted his feet. Why did Dean always want to fight? Why did he always assume the worst of him without even bothering to understand what he wanted. He wouldn’t change God healing him even if Dean wanted him to. He’s going to have to deal with the new and improved Castiel because it’s what he wants. 

“It’s what you do. What happens when you decide you don’t want anything to do with us anymore?”

Castiel got quiet. Finally he was starting to understand Dean's anger. “That will never happen.” 

“Yea? And why’s that?”

“Because you mean too much to me!” 

Both men turned and looked at him, eyes wide with shock. Anger boiled low within him as he stood. How dare Dean think they meant so little to him. How dare he believe that everything he had sacrificed for the Winchesters meant nothing. Didn’t he realize? Didn’t he know? They meant everything to him! He made his way over stopping in front of Dean, the counter the only thing between them. Dean followed his every move, not speaking a word. 

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he met his eyes with Deans. “Dean, Sam. We’ve been through much together. So much that, even after having been on this plane of existence since the dawn of creation, nothing has impacted me more than the two of you have.” He took a breath and gathered his wits. Both men stared at him, eyes wide as Castiel made his points. He was not going to let either of them walk out of this kitchen without them realizing how much they meant to him. 

“The things I’ve seen...There is nothing that would ever make me walk away from you. Not God, not Heaven, not hell. Not even death.” He looked away this time to shake his head, memories of his time with God still fresh in his mind. “My wings and my mojo are part of who I am. Nothing is going to change that. It’s time you understood that, I may be an angel, but I am still your friend.”

“Cas…” Sam started but is cut off my Dean.

“No. You’re not our friend, Cas.” Castiel could feel his vessels heart pounding through his chest. Were they rejecting him? Would they really ask him leave because of his restored grace? Were angels really that bad to him that he’d kick Castiel out, again? A panicked feeling started to build it’s way up within him. He prepared his wings to take off at a moment's notice. If Dean was going to reject him he wasn’t going to stay long enough to be torn apart.

“Dean.” Castiel almost whispered. Sam stood by Dean, moving from one foot to the other. He seemed to be just as on edge as Castiel was. 

Dean shook his head and met Castiel’s eyes. “Like I said before, you’re family.”

Castiel felt all the tensions release from his body, taking a breath of relief. Dean had called Castiel family before, but somehow this time, it felt sincere. No one was dying, there was no war being fought. It was just the three of them being honest for the very first time. 

So he needed more answers. “The angels, heaven, they're my family too. I don't understand why I can't have both?”

Sam stepped further in, taking his chance to speak. “Cas, man, you can.” He started shrugging his shoulders as he placed his hands in his pants pockets. “I'm glad the angels are welcoming you back. I think… We… Were just afraid you'd leave us behind. I think we understand, now, that you won't, right Dean?”

Anger filled Dean’s features before turning and storming out of the kitchen. Castiel didn't bother to call out to him, knowing Dean was ending the conversation for good.

“Just give him some time. He doesn't take change well.”

Castiel stared at the now empty doorway. “I know.” Why did things with Dean always end up being so difficult? 

Sam clapped his hands on his back before turning and leaning against the table.“So, you’ve got your mojo back. What are you gonna do now?”


	18. Epilogue

Castiel watched as the sun started to rise, casting purple and orange hues across the snow peaked mountains. His coat waved softly at his side in the breeze, pushing air up and through the feathers of his wings, arching at the feeling as if breathing in the fresh clean air. He too breathed it in, closing his eyes, focusing on the air as it moved through his lungs. Savoring every molecule as he released them back out through his nose. He was an angel again. A real, true, halo holding, wing bearing, grace wielding angel. Not only that but the angels had handed him a key to his home, something he hadn’t held in a long time. A piece of him felt free. Free to go home, free to stay on earth, free to do whatever he pleased. Of course he did have a few wounds to heal among some of the angels, but with most of them starting the healing process there shouldn't be much to worry about. 

But then. The Winchesters…

He hadn’t expected Dean to react the way that he had the other day. Dean had always been a little hard headed, and he had expected something, just not...that. Sam and Mary were happy for him though, plus, Sam said to give Dean time. He felt it would probably also be wise to give him some space. Whether Dean liked it or not, he was an angel and heaven was his true home. He grew from a fledgling to a Seraph there. Watched and grew a love for humanity there. Sure he loved Earth and, after his time on its surface, grew a fondness of it, but, there is, as humans say, ‘No place like home’.

He hadn’t gone yet. There was something holding him back, something he couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t nervousness or embarrassment to face the other angels and it certainly wasn’t fear. Perhaps it was knowing that at any moment he could feel the power of heaven around him once more? Perhaps it was knowing how unhappy Dean had been? Or knowing Claire was opening up to him more? Of course he wasn’t staying in Heaven permanently. Every once in awhile he has to remind himself that he’s not actually leaving. No need for goodbyes or to feel sadness. He wasn’t losing anything, in fact he was gaining something. For all these years he had experienced nothing but loss, and now. Now he could start to experience gain. Getting his status in heaven restored. Getting his wings and grace healed. Gaining dialogue with his father. Gaining family. This wasn’t a time for sorrow, this was a time of joy. Maybe he could spend his new time learning how to accept joy. 

He continued to watch as the soft amber glow of the rising sun washed across the valley below, birds beginning to chirp signaling the start of another day. All was at peace in that moment, even for him, an angel that wasn’t quite an angel, and yet not quite a human.

Uh, Cas, it’s me, Dean

Castiel looked down into the valley as Dean’s prayer rang through him.

We, uh… We got something set up for ya if you wanna come on down?

Yea Cas! It’ll be fun!

He smiled at the sound of Claire’s voice. It was the first time she had prayed to him since the Djinn attack. It was also the first time she had prayed to him on purpose. 

Claire had been acting strangely the last few days and he had wanted to speak with her to be sure she was okay. At first, she hadn't said much, but eventually she let the truth spill out to him. 

“I know that things between us are weird, you looking like my dad and all, but seeing you dead. Seeing…. I realized I cared about you. It's not going to be easy and there might be a few days when I can't handle seeing you, but I do care and I do want to figure out how to make this work between us.”  
He spent the equivalent of two weeks in the Djinn dream. Two weeks of living in a fake world where everything he had ever wanted came true. After waking up and being forced to deal with reality, having those things for real felt unobtainable. How could Claire ever forgive him? How could the brothers ever accept him as one of them? How could he ever find happiness? 

Somehow, after dying, again, it's all right there, being handed to him on a silver platter. Claire is on her way to forgiving him. The brothers are on their way to accepting him as one of them, and finding happiness? Whether he wants to believe it or not, there's an undeniable feeling that he's on his way to that as well. The broken path he had been trudging along for so long has finally come to an end. 

With one last look at sun, slowly rising above the mountains, he stood, spreading his wings and taking flight. He's stepping down on a newly paved path, his friends and family standing and waiting for him. 

 

*****

“There you are!” Claire yelled, waving him over. They had summoned him to a lakeside beach not too far from the bunker. With the first signs of spring melting away the snow and the temperature starting to rise, it was a perfect afternoon for a break from the world. 

Dean and Sam looked over, Dean standing at a small grill and Sam standing by, beer in hand. Claire sat at the picnic table with Mary, bags of chips and containers of food scattered over it. Raising cooking tongs into the air, Dean waved to him as he made his way down the beach. 

“Bout time you showed up.” Dean remarked, turning back to the grill and flipping what looked to be a burger patty. 

Sam walked over to a cooler by the picnic table, grabbing a beer and handing it to him. “Now we can celebrate.” 

“Thank you, Sam.” Castiel smiled and took the beer, taking a swig before taking a seat at the picnic table. 

“So, where did you fly off to?” Mary asked, opening the small containers of pasta and potatoes, grabbing plastic utensils and sticking them inside. 

“I was on Mount Cook in New Zealand.” Both Claire and Mary raises their eyebrows in slight shock and curiosity. 

“Why there?” Sam asked, taking another swig of his beer. Castiel couldn't help but notice Dean’s slight turn to hear him better. 

“I was watching the sun rise.” He turned to Claire and smiled. “I should show you some time. It’s very beautiful.” 

She nodded her head enthusiastically, smiling big. “Yes please!” 

“I've always wanted to go there.” Mary chimed in, keeping up with her task. 

Sam sat down next to her. “Me too. I'd like to see where they filmed Lord of the Rings.” 

“Nerd.” Claire snickered. 

“What’s Lord of the Rings?” 

The smell of burgers filled the air as Dean flipped them on the grill. Castiel watched as Sam animatedly told Mary all about the movies and the books, Claire every once in a while leaning over to him and snickering “nerd” or “dork”. He had never seen them so happy and calm, a warmth growing within him with every exaggerated swing of Sam’s arms and giggle from Claire. 

“Food’s ready!” Dean called out, placing a plate of burger patties on the table. 

Everyone dug in, chips, pickles, burgers and beer being passed all around the table. Castiel’s mouth watered as he took a bite of his own burger, quietly moaning in delight from his newly restored tastebuds. It had been quite a while since he had last eaten a burger. 

“These are very good, Dean, thank you.” The others laughed as he took another bite, not holding back his second moan. 

Dean cleared his throat as he raised his beer. Castiel looked up from his burger, setting it down. “To Castiel. Angel, friend, family.” 

His heart swelled as everyone stopped, raising their drinks towards him. Dean looked at him with an expression that matched the emotions waving off of him; acceptance. It seemed Dean may have finally come to terms with Castiel’s choices. 

“To Castiel!” 

He raised his drink to everyone in a way he hoped was correct, smiling down at Claire as she nudged his side. They all took a drink and he followed suit. This was real and this, he guessed, was what love felt like.

For the first time since his creation, he wasn't serving, he wasn't living to die. He was simply living. What that made him, he wasn't exactly sure, but what he did know was that it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he was an angel. It didn't matter that part of his family was human. 

 

He was loved. 

 

And that was never going to change.


End file.
